To My Abusive Ex Boyfriend:
I never thought I would have been in this situation. People know me as a very strong, independent girl. I saw friends go through experiences milder than mine, and that was enough for me to think I would never let it happen to me. But when it happens to you, you don't expect it. It is hard to leave, I promise. My friends and I were in denial, which you will read about below. Some eventually found out the truth and endlessly apologized to me but I just needed to move on without them.
Why is it that people are so scared of strangers when those who hurt you the most are the ones closest to you?
Thank you for reading. Here is my story:
I remember the first time I saw you in the café four years ago located below my freshman dorm and knowing you were going to be a part of my life. A few days later, I saw you at a halloween party in my devil costume I had successfully scrambled together a few hours prior (thank you 24 hour Wal Mart). I recognized you and purposely bumped into you, introducing myself. You remembered me and said, "I thought you were making fun of me the other day." I laughed and thought how that was completely wrong. We found out we lived in the same dorm and you took my number. 2 or 3 days later you message me and invite me to yoga. That day we became inseparable.
I was lonely and depressed my freshman year until I met you. You made me laugh every day. My friends liked you and that was important to me. You also loved how your friends liked me. I remember the night you stayed up until 5am to write my essay when I had been struggling with it and as you rested your head, you whispered, "I just want to impress you." I remember when you rode your bike downtown to get me flowers and chocolate. I remember when you used to sit in lectures with me just to be next to me. I remember taking naps with you inbetween classes. I remember how happy you were just by putting a smile on my face. We always were called out for our strong chemistry. You gave me a happiness I had never experienced before. We always told each other how no one else compared to our love. I never wanted anyone else but you.
I thought we were happy for a long time until your father came back into your life. He had hurt you all your life, giving you empty promises. I was there for you. I held you while you cried on your knees with your head in my arms, and it never made me think any less of you. "Why doesn't my father love me?" You cried. I saw the good in your heart in those vulnerable moments, not when you were friendly and would show me off in public.
Do you remember your obsessiom with that robotussin drink, which even macklemore sings about? Do you remember how careless and cruel you were on it? After 3 hours of waiting for you one night, you then told me that you were leaving and I should take my own taxi downtown when I was even on your way. Remember when you made your hands bleed by angrily walking back to our dorms and punching meters because I did not take a taxi alone to you? Do you remember when I just wanted to talk but you just yelled for me to get out? I just wanted to talk to you, but your anger shocked me. And as I am about to leave, I dropped my phone under your bed. While reaching for it, you dragged me, grabbed me, and threw me out even though I hadn't gotten my phone yet. You then let me in again but only to physically hurt me more. You were numb to my tears but found pleasure to my pain, and I saw it in your eyes. I stood there in shock, crying. You then tripped me. I fell to the floor, crying so hard it hurt to breathe. You took my clothes out of your closet and threatened to burn them.
"Do it," I said. "My clothes mean nothing compared to everything else you have done." But you didn't do it. You gave me an evil look and I ran to your bed, crying, "Why are you doing this? I love you. Why are you doing this to me?" I couldn't recognize you anymore.
I said "I love you" so many times. You then sat next to me with your head between your knees. I softly asked you to snap out of it. I wanted you to come back to me. You finally did and laid your head onto my lap and continuously cried, "Why don't you hate me? I'm so sorry."
I then held you, shaken by it all. I just kept telling you that I loved you unconditionally. It was a long night. In the morning, you saw the bruise you made on my arm. That day you took me to the nicest restaurant you had ever taken me to, costing more than my birthday and Christmas combined. It meant nothing to me. You were my life that year, which only turned into a dangerous and unhealthy relationship.
I wanted to believe your apology but my dad always told me, "If he does it once, he'll do it again."
He was right.
I knew I couldn't change you, but I didn't want you to feel abandoned by everyone in your life. I knew I was the only one in your life who understood you. It was hard for me to let go. Our love was tainted and it left me too weak to walk away.
Two weeks later you dragged me, kicked me, choked me, made me bleed, and grabbed me so hard that I had dark bruises on my ribs with the imprint of your fingers. Bruises from my neck to even my toes lasted for over two weeks. I ran to my friends, falling to the floor in so much emotional pain. I was broken, hurt, and in denial. They held me and tried to get me to report you but I couldn't do that. I didn't want to ruin your life. But you didn't care about mine.
I was scared for my life that day. From watching CSI, I scratched your leg to have your DNA under my nails. The fight was so bad that you panicked and told the RA that I came and attacked you...I then got in trouble with the school board and you manipulatively texted me "good luck" the morning I had to go to court. I kept my mouth shut. Well done. All I could think about was protecting you and all you could think about was also protecting you...
You then ran into my friends and convinced them you did nothing wrong. They stopped speaking to me. We had the same friends, so I was alone and you tried to stay close to my girlfriends to get them to stay indifferent at least. Well, it worked. I had no one. I gave you everything I had. I was so disgusted and disappointed that I could barely walk or eat. I lost 14 pounds in a week after you called me fat. I kept to myself because I did not want to look like the crazy ex. No one believed me anyway because of the way you would charm them.
I want to believe you loved me, but it was so easy for you to hurt me and lie to people for your own sake. Though, I will never forget the moment you cried from the shame and pain you caused me. But then you started putting blame on me. You left me in the cold. You didn't own up to anything in the end. You are no man. You are a coward.