I lost my son last year at 18 weeks pregnant. It was the worst time of my life. It was our 1st wedding anniversary (Bern together going on 14 years) and we were all dressed up, had reservations, I felt beautiful with my bump but instead was brought into hospital with bleeding. Can you imagine being told your baby has no heartbeat on a day you are supposed to be celebrating. My anniversary is forever tarnished. (we tried 5 years after suffering from ectopic, and multiple miscarriages) he was very much so wanted. I was given a pill to induce labour. I felt it all, contractions, the urge to push. I had to do it all naturally. I never stopped crying. Then he was born so tiny, i dressed him, and picked out his tiny little white coffin, signed all the papers for post mortems. Something no mom should ever have to do. The funeral was a week later. So many people showed up for him. I watched my husband carry his coffin by himself into the church. Saw my daughters red crying face, she was excited for a brother, not this, my husband's face red from crying. He never cries. Everyone's heart was broken and my heart was in a coffin. Later we all went for dinner and drinks at a local (it's how we Irish do funerals) I was too traumatised to interact with anyone. My breasts hurt because they had no baby to feed. I refused food. I was thinking of killing myself. So at my sons funeral, my husband's brother decided to announce that he was finally going to be a father. He was so happy he just couldn't wait anymore. In his words he wanted to put a bit of happiness into a sad situation for us. It probably shouldn't have but it completely broke me and angered me. how could someone be so selfish, callous and just so self involved. I hated him for that, someone i used to love like my own brother. nearly best friends, we all rented a house once. I didn't have the chance to be happy for him. I've avoided him like the plague ever since. 5 weeks ago I discovered that I was pregnant again. I have to see a specialist because of all my losses. Weekly scans, a cocktail of medication to support pregnancy, the works. Most expectant moms are nervous about scans but for me it brings me back to that night. They petrify me. Especially when I have to go alone without my husband. I don't know what I would do if I was alone and got bad news. So my husband walks in last night and tells me that his brothers baby was born. Asked if I wanted to see a picture. I declined. Asked if I wanted to visit them. I declined. Things just hadn't been the same with them since my sons funeral. my husband keeps trying to force a relationship there but I just can't. All I see is the man who couldn't even pretend to mourn at my boys funeral. I wish them all the best but I don't want to be a part of their lives anymore. I just can't move past it, though I have tortured myself mentally over it. My husband tells me that I could possibly bump into his brother at the hospital at my appointment. My husband will be visiting them after work at the hospital and I will be going in alone that morning for our appointment, scared and feeling a bit tossed aside. I get get he has to work but I just feel like crap about it. Especially since I have no one else I can ask to go with me. All last night I spent crying myself to sleep gripping the blanket I held my son in. I felt that pain and heartache all over again. I feel completely alone. I can't help how I feel about the situation before anyone attacks me for being selfish. I'm not in control of how I feel. My heart is still broken for my son and I'm scared it could all happen again and I am hurt my husband is going to the hospital to see them and their baby but wont be there for me when I'm scared and need someone to lean on the most