Just cry

So after 4 years of trying last night i just broke but not in a way that i gave up but i just felt like i needed to break down and cry until it stopped hurting and thats what i did i went to take a shower and i just cried and let it al out im not saying i am fixed now or that the hurt is gone but i did the only thing i felt i could still do and thats feel the pain and let it out after 3 loses and years of ttc and al the neg test i just cried and i think the thing that put me over the edge is my husband wants it so bad now when we started he was on board but did not seem as involved as i was by year 3 i told him everything al my worries al my pain that he never knew and about 3 months ago he just said that he wants it so bad and that i has been hiding al the pain he had and now 3 months later i feel like i see the hurt in his eyes even if he dont say anything or try to play it off i know beter and i am so sick and tired of ttc and tests and apps and everything i will keep the hope and my joy when it happens will make up for the pain but for right now i will be putting ME 1st and i will feel the pain and cry if i have to but i will not worry and think about this anymore.