Updated: Thinking good thoughts

When my children were 2 and 10 months, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I’m now one year out from completing treatment and 18 months since I was declared ‘cancer free’. We haven’t been TTC because we wanted to get this a little ways behind us, but I always wanted at least 3 kids.

Tomorrow is my next check up and two new lumps have shown up since my last visit (I told my doctor right away). It could be nothing, but I’m worried.

If it is cancer again, we have already decided we won’t have any more children. It would mean another round of treatment and surgery and losing the chance to be a mom again.

I swear I’ve spent the last month in limbo, making lists of things I would like to do, but won’t be able to if it’s back. I haven’t told anyone other than my husband because I don’t want to worry them. The first time was bad enough. So, I thought I’d post it here just to get it off my chest a little. Tomorrow will be a rough day.

Update: They don’t like what they see. The doctors all think it’s cancer, but I’m holding out hope. I go for multiple biopsies next Friday, on our anniversary no less. I’m going to plan a week of major fun with the kids before I go.

Update: Biopsies are no fun and the doctor was horrible. Most of the doctors that I work with are empathetic and understanding. This one, who I met once before, is awful. She’s blunt and rude. She’ll say something terrible and then say, “I shouldn’t have said that.” When she walked in to do the biopsies, I cursed in my head. Anyway, she said to expect a call with the results Tuesday or Wednesday. I’m struggling, TBH, but trying so hard to stay positive. I’m glad to have my husband of now five years with me.

Update: It’s cancer. I don’t know how I’m going to get through this again.