So, my partner and I just lost our precious little girl at 21 weeks. I had been feeling something was off, but my midwives kept shrugging it off as "just pregnancy symptoms" but I felt in my heart that I needed to be checked for infection and they didnt until it was too late. Even when my water broke prematurely they told me I just peed myself and sent me home. Three hours later I feel a "pop" and I start bleeding. I was then rushed to the hospital where I was sent to the high risk hospital and they had told me everything that I had confirmed. There was no way to save my precious angel without me getting septic or her having severe birth defects, so we made the painful decision to induce labor.

Giving birth to my sweet little girl is something I will never forget nor regret. She was so small, but I had dilated to an 8 from what the nurses had told me. I had such a different experience at that hospital versus the hospital where my midwives practiced. They were so amazing and attentive and gave me the best birthing experience I could have possibly had given the circumstances. I was only in contraction pain of a high severity for an hour after the Nubain had worn off. I was then rushed an epidural, which really only took about 15 mins for the anesthesiologist to arrive -- meanwhile my nurses rubbed my back and calmly affirmed I did everything right. As soon as the epidural kicked in and I was relaxed, my sweet little Iliana was here. They placed her in my arms and she crossed hers, tilted her head towards me, and died in my arms.

The experience didn't shy me away from wanting to try again though. She will always be my husband and I's firstborn and we are always going to grieve for our little sunflower. Before giving birth to her I had only wanted her, but after giving birth I now want to try again as soon as possible and have more than just one. I have an amazing bond with my husband and we talked about how long to wait and we both agreed that we shouldn't actively try again until we get a little healthier in this time of recovery, but also that we want to try again as soon as possible. I feel guilty for feeling this way, but the experience felt like my daughter's birth was her way of telling me that I'm supposed to be a mommy and not to feel guilty when the sun shines on us again. To feel such a strong desire to try again even immediately after she was born. She gave me that, she put all my fears to rest and taught me so much about what to do and not to do, to go with my instincts, which hospital is the best one, that an epidural is nothing to fear, but mostly she taught me how to love with a love so deep and powerful that it can't ever be described nor can it disappear.