My depression is getting so bad again. My panic attacks are worse, and my moods are terrible. I stopped taking my antidepressants when we decided to try, and on paper, everything looked fine. But with every negative I get, despite doing everything “right”, I just get worse. I’m already a mom. But I keep losing family members, and I’m an only child. I’m down to one parent on my side, and my husband is down to one parent on his. I just want family, and in order for that to happen, we have to create it. I’m scared to take my medicine, because my fertility doctor said it raises the chances of heart defect by 1%, and even though that’s low, if I did have another child, and it were born with a heart defect, I’d never ever forgive myself. I’m contemplating medicinal marijuana, but is that any safer than the Zoloft and anxiety pills? I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better. Should I just go on BC and take my meds again? Maybe trying for another isn’t a good idea? I’m so sad. Wish pressing pause on my life and taking a vacation from it were possible. I’m so sad.