I am entering my third trimester and the reality of my baby's father and my relationship is hitting me hard. We lived together for years in LA but our relationship was becoming very toxic. I want kids and commitment after 6 years of our relationship and he let me know he is still "confused." I will be 30 years old in September and he is 36 for an age reference. I am a hard working sober woman and he is veryyyy hard working too, but in 2 bars... He likes is 65+ hour work weeks (he doesn't have to work this much for finances, he is a workaholic) where he doesn't see me and can drink whenever he wants, which he does daily, no matter how many times I beg him to stop. I have been sober 2 years and felt that I was going to relapse from all of the relationship stress, his drinking, him never being with me, no communication and realizing he doesn't want what I do as far as a future and kids....

Before something bad happens I move back home, which is 2 hours away from LA and we are trying to make it work, and I get pregnant while on a visit to see him because of "another medication's interference with my birth control" as the doctor told me. I am so happy and thankful for our son coming, no matter the circumstances, but now that it's crunch time I am seeing more and more my future with his dad...

His dad said he will not move to us, that his bartending jobs are too important. He doesn't like that I live in a small town, which is where I met him. He doesn't ask about the baby and the only way I see him is if I drive to him, he is "too busy with work." He wants me to move back to LA knowing I would have NO family or friends to help like I currently do. But the biggest thing of all, I WILL RELAPSE. For those of you who don't understand addiction or alcoholism, this is not a choice of mind over matter, so please don't post that because that is not what this post is about. I know me, I have proven countless times to myself that I know me with my addiction and triggers and if you think being alone with a newborn with zero help, living with a man who comes home almost drunk nightly to fall asleep and ignore you, and deal with mental issues that most likely will happen such as postpartum is a good idea for an alcoholic, then I'll let you know it's not. I am not ashamed to say I am a recovering addict because I never asked to be one in the first place, and I work my ass off to stay sober for myself and now my baby. I don't want him to have to repeat the cycle I have.

I would be a bad mother to put myself and my baby in the living situation in LA I described, knowing fully what will happen... But even knowing that I can't help but feel very upset and alone. I feel like a bad person I can't make his father care about his kicks and milestones, to help me think of a name for him (but he can definitely tell me no to all of them with no reason as to why he doesn't like it) and the upcoming birthing classes he "will see if he can make."

As a woman I feel like I should be doing more to make sure his dad wants to be in his life physically, not just financially. I grew up wondering what must me so wrong with me that my biological dad skipped out, and I never want my son to think that. I feel like I have failed my son for trying to do the best thing for him, to keep him safe and surrounded by love of my family and friends who are excited for him to come, and to keep his mother, myself sober and strong.

Is there anyone out there who can relate and give me words of wisdom or their experiences?