Not pregnant, and beyond depressed

I’ve been married for under a month and I absolutely hate myself for this. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life and I somehow feel like now it’s worse than ever. I guess I always told myself that all I ever wanted was to be married and now that I am and that I see it hasn’t miraculously solved all my problems, they’ve just been further amplified.

So I moved onto the next thing... BABIES. My husband doesn’t want kids yet. I’m dying to have them as soon as possible because I’m dying to have a purpose. I need to be working towards something. We aren’t in a place to be buying a house now. My job is very unrewarding (but I don’t have enough experience yet to find another one).

After we got married we agreed to be “less careful” during sex and I was praying with everything I had that I would get pregnant. Like I said, my husband said he’s not ready to “try” for a baby yet, but he said he’d be ok if it happened. But I was LIVING for that positive pregnancy test. I could swear I was having early symptoms all month.

I wasn’t, and I got my period yesterday. I was even convinced then that it may be implantation bleeding. But today it’s undeniably my period.

I don’t think I have ever felt so depressed and defeated in my life. My husband says he feels useless and doesn’t know how to help me. He even said “let’s just try to get pregnant” because he’s so desperate to make me happy, but of course I don’t want to be looking at my child for the rest of his life and thinking “you only exist because I was depressed and your dad wanted to cheer me up.” That’s not a way to bring a child into the world, and I know it.

I just don’t know what to do.