Two days ago when I was sitting in the E.R room with my mother. The doctor was awful to me.

“If you’re having a miscarriage there isn’t anything I can do for you.” With the attitude towards me like I was bothering him. Why are you here??

I’m here because I was told to come here by the nurse on the phone. I was here because I was bleeding. I was pregnant and bleeding. I’m here cause I’ve had 3 previous miscarriages last year. I was there to find out if I was experiencing another.

After a long wait the doctor finally comes in with that same attitude that made me feel terrible when I was already terrified of losing another previous baby that my husband and I wanted so bad. He told me... your numbers have dropped. Sorry.

That was it.

I’ve heard those words before. 3 times and I’ll never forget any of them. I tried to hold it together. I wasn’t at all. It all hit me and it hit me hard. My mother of course hugging me and telling me that everything was going to be okay. I was not okay. I’m still not okay!

Then a gentleman walked in the door. A man I had never seen before. With discharge papers in his hand I knew he must be a nurse. He sat on the chair next to me. Looked me in the eyes and said “I’m so sorry!” I told him. “This is number 4!. I’ve lost 4 babies!”

After that he just kept saying I’m sorry and asked if there was anything he could get me. I told him no but I appreciated him being so kind to me. I knew all too well what was to come....

Then I spent the next day and half bawling my eyes out. Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. I knew the bleeding was going to get worst. I knew the cramps would start and they would be terrible. As if feeling my broken heart wasn’t enough I had to feel the physical pain knowing my baby was dying inside of me and there wasn’t a single thing I could do to stop it. That all hit me last night. The pain so bad that I couldn’t even speak as my husband tried to help in any way he could.

I’m trying my best to allow myself to feel the way I feel. I can’t even begin to explain in words how I feel. I know that I’m not ready to give up. I have more fight left in me. I know my future will have more test and more doctors appointments but that’s something I can do. I will get my rainbow baby one day. It will all be worth it. But for now I’m NOT okay. And that’s okay for now.