We went to a party last weekend and a friend of ours is pregnant. I kept listening to all of her issues and excitement about her pregnancy and it seemed like the only thing anyone talked about. I’m not going to lie I’m jealous but I’m also so happy for them.

I prayed to myself in that moment that I hope God will allow this to be our month...

We went to a wedding soon after and I had been asked three separate times when my husband and I were going to have a baby.. I smiled and said I hope soon..

I prayed again..

I was holding my baby cousin in my arms today and rocked her to sleep as two people said “that looks good on you!”

I prayed again..

I let the bad thoughts in sometimes wondering “What have I done wrong?” Or “I thought good things happen to good people, have I not been a good person?” I have screamed, and cried, and smacked my hands against the wall asking why?

But all I can do is pray.. so I pray again..

I try to not lose my faith or make deals with God that I’ll do whatever it takes and say I can do this! I can be a mother! And then feel guilty for trying to bargain with God. I get anxious and then worried that I’m too anxious.. As I think they say when you don’t try it happens but what if I don’t try and it doesn’t happen.

I keep praying.. I pray through the bad thoughts, I pray through the moments I feel helpless or discouraged, I pray for those I feel envious of for their baby bumps, I pray after every negative test, I pray everyday twice a day hoping it’ll be my turn soon. Because I know deep in my heart that God is listening and it will happen. Preferably sooner than later but IT WILL HAPPEN. Just gotta keep praying.. 🙏🏻💛