I'm devastated but I'm also determined

I broke today.... I was 2 days late and was convincing myself that for some reason this was it. After 7 years this was going to be the cycle. I told my honey that at lunch I would go home if AF didnt show and I would take a test and I did. First I went to the bathroom peed in my little plastic mouth wash cup and checked to make sure she still didnt show. She hadn't. I dipped my 4 different test and I proceeded to walk my only 2 children ( a dwarf lab and a Basenji mix ) yes my children have fur. I came back inside full of hope and they were stark white. I felt my heart speed up and I told myself it's ok. I'm not out yet. I proceeded to my room to relax a few minutes before going back to work. At 12:30 i decided I need to get going or I'll be late. So I proceeded to the bathroom to make sure she didnt show in that 30 min period.... and she did. I dropped to my knees with pants down and I cried I ugly cried. My Honey know its hurts me but he has no idea that I break down every month the day she shows. I sat there in the floor looking a complete mess to the point my fur babies would normally jump all over me for hugs and kissed and this time they knew I was hurting they just stood there and watched me.

I got up got in my truck and proceeded to work with tears in my eyes. The entire drive. I got out did my walks because I'm a female construction manager I cant let them see me down. I came back drove to the closest store and just sat there. I wanted to scream. I wanted to ask why me I wanted to cry and throw stuff and I wanted to die. Give up. I looked in the mirror eyes blood shot watery sweating and I took a deep breath. You dont know others pain....

I had to remind myself

It's ok to cry

It's ok to scream.

It IS unfair.

But

It's also ok to smile

It's ok to breath

It's ok to prove your self wrong.

I'm hurt. But I will try again. I will take my vitamins I will get excited when I'm at 14 DPO and I will gracefully beg God like I do every month. I will hold my belly in the shower still and say " please little baby stick. " I will still beg my fur babies not to step on mommy's tummy because she wants a baby. I will still have hope. 7 years and 1 failed pregnancy I will still keep trying because if I dont.... I feel like I will never be a mother.