This is my own fault, God is punishing me, I dont deserve a baby...

When I was 23 I was drinking heavily. Toward the end I was drinking half gallons+ of vodka daily. The cheap stuff. I'd become dependent on it, would shake and vomit uncontrollably every morning until I drank more. Vodka for breakfast😕

I'd had unprotected sex since 16 without getting pregnant so I assumed I was barren. I was with a piece of shit at the time but was too consumed by drinking to care. I got pregnant 🙁 I told this POS and he said abort it. I dont want a baby.

I did as i was told. I got an abortion. I was 9 weeks along. Drinking the whole time. Took a few swings before going to the clinic. I'm sure I smelled like booze but they didn't say anything.

I rationalized it by saying to myself the baby must already be messed up. How could it not? How could I have a healthy baby when I couldn't stop drinking?

I grew to hate the POS and left him 3 weeks later. I went to my parents and confessed it all. Super drunk. I barely remember it. They took me to the ER the next day due to detoxing. I was given meds to control the DTs.

While I was there a guy I'd been messaging in the past came to visit me. He lived just across the street from the hospital and when I said I was there he surprised me. He brought me a stuffie and gave me a hug. From there a beautiful relationship formed and I've been with him ever since.

A year into the relationship we started ttc. 3 years passed with no pregnancy. I was temping, using opks, praying, trying anything and everything I could. I was getting bitter and jaded. Saw babies everywhere and felt such guilt and remorse for what I'd done in my past.

I was given fertility meds and only then finally, finally, I was pregnant. So happy! Through the roof happy! At 13 weeks I went for a ultrasound, so excited!

I still remember the look on the us techs face. My baby had died. Stopped growing at 9 weeks. 9 weeks? What? No. 😭 God was for sure punishing me. How dare I think I'd be able to have a baby. I killed the first one. I clearly dont deserve it, I'd done this to myself.

But I'm stubborn, and dont give up easily. I kept trying. We got pregnant again, and miscarried at 6 weeks. And we got pregnant again, found out on my birthday, and lost that baby too.

Meanwhile, due to my alcohol abuse in my past my SO and I rarely drink. But we do on occasion and one night we had plans to do just that. I was due for my period that day but it hadn't came, so I tested. It was a faint positive. Faint, but there.

After everything I'd been through I had no hope for this pregnancy so I'm ashamed to admit I took a couple shots before telling my SO I'd gotten another positive test.

Every day I was terrified something bad was gonna happen, the other shoe would drop and I'd lose this baby too. Every ultrasound was terrifying. When I passed 9 weeks and my LO was still growing away I started getting hope. Still terrified. Half expecting the universe to take away my baby at anytime.

I felt this way all the way up until he was born and the nurses assured me he was a healthy baby 🙂

As I type this I'm sitting here at the park with my now 4 month old baby 🥰 My bitterness is gone, everyday I'm filled with more love.

But I cant help but think about all the time/energy/emotions I wasted blaming myself. The universe doesn't work like that and God isn't that cruel. Dont ever give up!!!