As of today, my period is officially 92 days late. My periods have always been a bit irregular but this is the longest stretch I’ve had in years. When August comes me and my SO will have hit our 12 months of TTC.

To top things off, my bff just had her second baby. I am very happy for her, but when I’m alone I am so jealous and overwhelming sad. I’ve been crying all evening.

I feel like my body has failed me. My SO tries to make me feel better about myself by saying his sperm is probably the problem but it’s obviously me with my messed up, non existent cycles.

We want a baby so bad it hurts. My heart aches. I have to choke back my tears every time someone says to me “when are you having kids”, “it’s your turn now” or “do you even ever want kids”. Nobody besides me and my SO know we are trying. I don’t want anyone to know we’re struggling. I started this TTC journey thinking I would get pregnant right away and enjoy it all and here I am a year later praying to god every night to bless me with a child, and so far my prayers keep going unanswered.

I always wanted 2 kids and I wanted to have them before I hit 30 and now I’m thinking I keep getting older with every failed month of trying and all I’ll have time for now is 1.

I don’t know the point of this post. I just want to get my feelings out. Everything is bottled up and I feel so hurt and empty.

If I don’t get AF by August I guess I’ll have to ask about trying fertility treatments. I’m terrified of doing that. I’m terrified of even calling to get an appointment and admitting I’ve tried and failed for a full year. I’m scared. I’m scared I’ll never have anyone call me “mom”.