I’ve struggled with depression since I was 10 years old. It came shortly after my anxiety/panic disorder. When I was 23, I became suicidal for the first time. Shortly after that, I became depression free for the first time. It lasted about a year.

When I became pregnant, my depression came back. When I had my daughter, it was as if I’d never been depressed. I was overjoyed, happy, and felt like myself again.

Yesterday, depression hit me all at once. It wasn’t slow like normal. In an instant I hated myself again. I suddenly believed I don’t deserve to be a mom to this precious baby girl and I don’t deserve to be a wife to my amazing fiancé. I wanted to hurt myself.

Instead, I called my fiancé while he was at work. I managed to make it through the last two hours of being alone. When he got home, I felt relief. I laughed a bit. But it eventually came back. This morning, it’s still here.

I don’t want anything to do with planning our wedding or taking care of the house. I have no worries about my baby, even though I currently don’t find joy in caring for her, I still will care for her.

I will be calling my OB shortly. I will be trying medication again, even though it hasn’t worked in the past. I’ll give it another shot.

To anyone struggling, you are not alone. This is life. Depression doesn’t have to be a part of it. We are all in this together.