In the past four years I’ve had four babies. I lost two, at 23 weeks and at 13 weeks. I have two living kids, my oldest is a girl and now I have a 3 week old boy.

I knew no baby could ever replace the ones I lost, but I thought once my son was born it’d get a bit easier to cope with my losses. However, it’s been harder. Ever since I found out I was pregnant with him I kept thinking of the pregnancies that ended in a loss . I kept thinking of my second daughter , and the baby I never got to meet. Now that my son is born I can’t seem to go a night without crying, and it has nothing to do with him or being frustrated with him. I just keep thinking of the babies that I lost and how old they should be now. Whenever I’m changing him, feeding him, or even just looking at him I think of how I should’ve been able to do that with my two other babies. It makes me feel horrible, and I always remind myself it wasn’t my fault but it doesn’t work. I think about how I’m going to carry this pain with me and have to deal with the feeling that I’m missing something the rest of my life, and it just feels hopeless.

Idk if it’s just hormones but I’m not sure how to cope with this. I try speaking to my partner or my mom and they just tell me I need to be grateful that I was able to have another healthy baby and to focus on my two kids that I do have. I know they mean well but that advice doesn’t help.

Has anyone gone through anything similar ?