So I’m not there yet I’m 26 weeks tomorrow, but I’ve been having a lot of anxiety knowing the end is near.

Pregnancy is tough but my focus the entire time has been on after birth. This is my second child 10 years apart.

I was 21 when I had my son, my mother was my biggest support but it was still a lot of negative energy. I wasn’t married, my sons dad even tho he was 8 years older acted as if his whole life was over so his support wasn’t there in the best sense. The first month of his life was rough because I was trying to figure out motherhood, breast feeding, the amount of pain my entire body was in along with postpartum depression.

I know that it’s always lingered with me that fear of those first few months, but now it’s really hit me how traumatized I am by all of that.

I’ve been having panic attacks the more I think only 14 weeks left. I know this is totally different I have a partner I have a team, I’m older and hopefully wiser I’m stronger and I know I can. But you never realize how trauma really crippled you because all those feelings of that 21 year old lonely sad depressed soul has come in these waves of fear.

I feel so guilty because this little baby doesn’t deserve that energy. And my son who is almost 10 is amazing and I’ve loved every min of him and he’s always going to be what saved me even tho his coming broke me for a little while.

Mentally I know it’s all different but I emotionally can’t shake the feelings that keep coming and the memories of those feelings along with the pain of postpartum..

It’s crazy to me how it’s all things I’ve talked about with multiple people and in therapy and thought I was over. But I’m so scared of what’s to come.