oh boy so this is gonna be a long one.

my “fiancé” and i have been together off-and-on for over four years, since i was 13 and he was 16, now he is newly 21 and i’m turning 18 in two weeks. anyways, back story: he had a slip up once about two years in but it was at such a terrible point in the relationship that i let it go and we moved on from it. we got back together from a breakup in mid october, he moved into my mom’s apartment with me (for personal and financial reasons) and i got pregnant almost right away. everything was fine, emotionally we were doing GREAT but he spent way too much time with his friends and he wasn’t keeping up with his responsibilities. i noticed he wasn’t very comfortable at my house (like i said he moved in because of personal reasons, my mom asked him to) so i told him we should move in to his mom’s if he wanted to. in latewe did and then things were good, he had a very well paying job, i was doing my best to stay in school despite my terrible pregnancy symptoms, but it still hadn’t hit him that we had a baby on the way and he was pretty irresponsible with his spending. i let it go because i was barely going into the second trimester so i figured we had time to spare. it turned a little sour when i asked him to be involved in the pregnancy. he never wanted to go to any appointments with me, i heard the baby’s heartbeat for the first time by myself and it was pretty sad. anyways months go by, he becomes more irresponsible, gone for days on end and we argued a lot. he eventually realized he was in the wrong and actually changed. it unfortunately did not last long. on april 3rd, we had a huge argument and i moved out. on april 4th i had the anatomy scan and he didn’t go with me because he was too busy, get this, getting.... a haircut. a fucking haircut. i moved back in a couple weeks later, things were okay, and then i noticed a girl’s name kept popping up in his notifications. i confronted him about it and he said she was only talking to him to ask about weed (because he used to sell way back when) and i trusted him enough to let it go. at some point i became really suspicious and i went thru his phone and lo and behold he had been cheating and talking to her from the second i had moved out weeks earlier, he literally was trying to get in her pants even though she was a whole 16 YEARS OLD and he was a month shy of 21. i confronted him about it and he got mad at ME and i hit my personal low: i begged him not to leave me and promised him i’d change to be good enough for him. the days that came after had him become physically abusive- he popped pills and when i wouldn’t give him the rest of his pills he choked me and held me down and tried to force the pills down my throat. after that i was super depressed and he promised he’d stop talking to her and he’d be a better person and i was too afraid to leave. i was pretty much traumatized from the emotional and physical damage he had caused and i wasn’t myself, i was disgusted by him and by myself for being stupid. later in the month we argued a lot because one of his girl friends always was around asking him to smoke and i wasn’t comfortable with it and he swore she was “fat and disgusting” and he’d “never do anything with her” and at that point i didn’t want to argue anymore so if she came around i’d let him hang out with her without a problem. for all of june we were on pretty good terms, but then about two weeks ago he stopped working out of the blue and he completely neglected any and all responsibilities. my poor mom didn’t like seeing me struggle so she’s bought me everything, from baby clothes to a car seat and pack and play. he on the other hand hasn’t bought a single thing for the baby.

now fast forward to recently: he has been trying SO hard for us to be a couple again and i was slowly easing myself into it. then today i had a feeling and went through his phone and it turns out he was STILL talking to the 16 year old in may, saying he was in love with her and not with me, that he was only with me for his son and that the person he wanted to have a baby with was with her. the last message he sent her was 18 hrs ago but neither of them saved it on snapchat so i don’t know what he said. then i saw that the “fat bitch” he always talked so badly about was in his recents. i unfortunately did not get to read much because he came in right then but i did get to read “you liked the head i was giving you, you were even pushing down on my head and shit” and who knows how long that has been going on for. i plan on getting std tested at my ob appointment this week and i hope i rest negative for everything. he doesn’t know that i know so i’m pretending like everything’s okay but on the inside i’m absolutely disgusted by him and his actions. he went out so i packed my bags and everything of value that i had and now i’m just biding my time. i’m so glad i found this out now because i’m 39 weeks pregnant and at least i found out before baby is here.

i’m not here for sympathy, i know i should’ve known better than to have ever dated an older guy in the first place and that i shouldn’t have kept blindly trusting him but he’s my first boyfriend and first everything, i have pretty much become emotionally dependent on him.

what i would like is some advice.

what can/should i do?

i don’t want him in my life and i’m afraid of him so i don’t know what to do. i want to cut him and his family out completely (his mom knows and excuses his behavior and she is super entitled and once even asked me to “give” her my baby) but i’m afraid that they’ll try and take legal action against me and say i’m an unfit mother because i’m still young.

my mom has no problem caring for me and my baby and supporting me with advancing my studies so i know we’d be okay with her, i just never imagined things would end up like this and she has no idea that things were THIS bad. i know she’d want to press charges on him for his physical abuse but i’m scared to.

the worst part is that i love him so much and i want to leave so badly but i know that i’m emotionally not strong enough to do so but i NEED to for my baby. i really truly want to be able to leave but i know it’s going to hurt me so much. i just want everything to be okay.

/:

update:

i am definitely leaving, i’m just slowly packing my things so i can leave out of the blue without him or his mother trying to intervene