Its been a month after the guy i was talking to forced himself onto me. I spent the last three weeks with mixed emotions from crying to guilt to anger to even wishing he didn’t do that and we’d work out since he already took a piece of me. He hit me up and said hes surprised i responded bc he thought I’d hate him forever, then he got to saying he’s going to be different and respect me etc. i gave him a second chance idk why i still don’t and we ended up having sex it was consented i let it happen it was just in the moment and i felt like he’d get it from me even if i did say no but I wasn’t actually scared he seemed to be so different from the previous time he was sweet and gentle and we talked for hours before this time but he played me the next day. After telling me he’d give me what I deserved snd be good to me. He told me the next day after sex “dont get your hopes up” and how he’s a hoe. It’s like i just wanted him to be the person he claimed he would because we had sex im so tired of being used and because i didnt willingly at first give him my body i just wanted it to work i feel so unloved and dumb idk what’s wrong with me. Plus it’s almost time for my period so im praying it comes because the first time I still don’t know if he pulled out bc he wants a kid. Another reason i was so upset idk why i ever thought someone like that would change.. i have no idea why.

I just wanted it to work so bad because I never wanted to have sex and he took the power from me i was starting back my celibacy and got over all my exes and broke soul ties. I get extremely attached after sex no matter how it was initiated so I felt like I couldn’t separate the fact this guy was completely trash from the part of me that wants to make good out of a shitty situation.

I never wanted to admit it but it’s a pattern with me that I now see. It’s like I want to be hurt. My first boyfriend was at 13/14 and we’ve dealt with each other for 5 years now. In the past he was verbally abusive to me and put me down call me a hoe and bitch try to fight me sometimes he’d get physical never actually beat me but he’d grab me and smack parts of my body push me etc. ... we’re older now and he’s not that same person we were able to talk about that because he never thought about it and how it effected me. My dad has always made me feel like shit. But I always pick guys like how he was and I’ve never been treated good ever in my life by a guy. I literally have no consistent men in my life. No loving brother uncle father grandfather, nothing. And the ones I’ve had in my life hurt me