When Immediately Leaving Can’t Happen TRIGGER WARNING DV

Question

Hello all!
I am posting today about a topic that hits hard here in Glow (especially in all of the relationship/confessions rooms).
Recently I sat in on a discussion about intimate partner violence. And I remember one of the points the speaker emphasized is that SOMETIMES leaving is the WORST thing a person can do to escape abuse.
Specifically, the time period after a person leaves is the most dangerous time period for them because statistically speaking that’s when a murder or a maiming takes place (right when the person leaves or threatens to leave). Alternatively the abusive ex could hrt or kill themselves which can be incredibly traumatic.
A lot ppl can thankfully get out of a relationship safely, but for the situations where that is too dangerous of an option (and there are some red flags that do point to this outcome), how would it be possible to come up with a safety plan?
Or do you still believe that leaving is the ultimate first option?
Law enforcement answers are valid, but please keep in mind that not everyone in an abusive relationship trusts law enforcement! Or they can’t help (ex: in my town ahusband killed his wife AFTER SHE LEFT him. She kept the house and kicked him out, he called the police on HER for not letting him in, they called it a civil issue they needed to sort out, he breaks in and kills her).

Accepted Answer

Right after the abused partner leaves can be the most dangerous time. However I don’t like the narrative that it can be the worst choice. That could encourage people to stay which may also ultimately lead to their death. 
I’d rather make sure people are aware of the risk factors, and connect them with proper support. Hidden shelters, prepaid transit tickets to friends or family out of state,and restraining orders are all potential options.

Answer

The first time I attempted to leave, I was thrown against the wall by my throat.
The second time, I was beaten til near death. 
The third time, he held a gun to my head. 
I was told by a social worker that I would end up dead if I continued to attempt to escape and that maybe it was better for me to stay with him. 
No shelters would help me since I didn’t have kids and we weren’t married. 
It took me 2 years, but I left. It took a year after that for him to finally leave me alone. And honestly, my ability to leave at all was luck and chance and good timing.

Answer

Leaving is always the ultimate first option. I view it as- you can stay and definitely be harmed/murdered while with a person (because the majority of the time the abuse continues to escalate, not get better, over the years), or you can leave and have a higher chance of making it out. 
If it's to the point where you fear for your life while with the person, I recommend a safety plan. Don't threaten to leave. Don't make it known you plan on leaving. Save money up in small amounts over time, talk to a family/friend in secret and form a plan of action for leaving and staying with them and one day while he's gone take your money and important belongings and leave. If he tracks your phone, clear it to it's factory settings and leave it. If he tracks your car, get a ride/Uber/taxi/bus. If you feel you can't save money over time, set up a plan to leave and hit the bank to withdraw money as your last stop before leaving. 
If you can't make a plan to leave, (no job, no access to money, no family/friends, ect) then leave to a women's shelter or other organization when he's not home. 
Make it so that you can't be found. Stay with a friend/family member he doesn't know about/doesn't know where they live. Delete your Facebook/ect. Don't use the phone you had while with him. 
Do what you have to to leave, because you're never going to be safe if you stay. Your chances of being harmed/killed are significantly higher if you stay than if you leave, because you're always going to be there for him to hurt. It's worth the effort. It's worth the planning. It's worth the fear. There are so many organizations out there to help you out of this situation. Use incognito mode on your phone to search them. Take a bus to a different city to one if you need to. Call around and see what they can do to help you. There's also hotlines, and websites, with information and resources

Answer

The problem is, someone in this situation is probably in just as much danger at home, as leaving. Many DV victims are killed at home during a fight too. I think leaving is always the best option, but the timing of it might have to be held off temporarily until they can find a good chance to escape safely. But telling someone to continue staying indefinitely is wrong. Hopefully the person has family, friends or a shelter to go to. If not, that would be a failing on the city's part for not providing shelter or a reliable police force.

Answer

It's not the WORST thing to do it *can be* the most dangerous time in the relationship.  Must be clear on that. It's the best option and going through as many legal resources as possible is always best but in the end abuse hardly ever stops it processes and is lethal.

Answer

Well they can get friends or family to help, or there are lots of organisations that assist in getting women out of dangerous situations (we have a couple in my country, POWA and such). Otherwise ask a security company if they'd assist.

Answer

Leaving an abuser and being pregnant are the two top risk factors for being murdered by an intimate partner.

Answer

I can give 2 💩 bout my abuser harming himself. 
Im gone.

Answer

I’d call the domestic violence hotline and ask them how to sort it out so the victim can leave safely. They’re the pros. I assume they’d have good advice about this type of scenario. 
So while I don’t have any exact advice for anyone, I’d encourage anyone in this situation to contact the hotline for help in getting out safely.

When Immediately Leaving Can’t Happen TRIGGER WARNING DV

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