I have a friend. I met him at school and there's never been any sort of dating relationship between us. I invited him to youth group and he started going, then I graduated high school and didn't see him for almost nine months. (I met him about two years ago.)

By this point I was in a very committed relationship with my boyfriend but we ended up splitting up in June (hopefully temporarily) due to unforeseen circumstances. Since then, this friend of mine (let's call him Joe) has acted off and kind of a lot more interested in hanging out with me.

(Disclaimer - our friendship has always been very antagonistic, he has always tickled me when I asked him to stop or given me jumper cables in the side or stolen my phone and held it above his head (hes 6'3 and I'm 5'1 so yeah no way I can get it) so his persistence and mischievous nature is not new to me. Hes also always treated me like one of the guys, which is why it was kind of weird that he seemed to notice I was a girl all of a sudden.)

I work night shifts at a bible camp coffee shop. He decided to come visit me after work (around 1AM). I thought nothing of it, I'm one of the dudes and his sleep schedule sucks. It didn't seem weird. We hung out for a few hours and the whole time he's pretty touchy feely. (I'm not stupid, I knew he liked me by this point.) Before he leaves I basically make him confess his feelings because I'm tired of him dodging questions and pretending nothing is different. He knows at this point that I'm still hung up on my ex and want to make things work with my ex and I'm not looking for any sort of relationship.

He basically says I'm cute and he likes me, and then he kissed me, kind of out of the blue. I froze up a little and just kinda kissed back because idk it felt weird not to. Then I tell him I dont want this to be the norm and he shouldn't keep doing it. He kissed me goodbye, said he understood, then left.

Then he came back almost every night and did the same thing.

I did quite bluntly let him know I was losing sleep because of him and I wasnt interested and it was not to continue. It got a little more heated each time and I always ended up giving in because I knew that it was easier just to get it over with. (I'm a bit passive and I have some pretty bad anxiety.)

I was gone for a few days, then hed come back and it would continue.

The last few nights were different.

He basically spent the whole time messing around (getting handsy, putting his mouth where it doesn't belong, trying to grind on me, etc). I'd tell him no, repeatedly, and he basically would just not listen to me until the sun came up and then he left. He would kinda toss me around and hold me down and yeah.

Two nights ago it went a bit far. He ate me out for twenty minutes even when I told him no (his excuse is that I liked it, which i did because he was good at it but i didn't want it and I'm not a person who is okay with all of this outside a serious relationship. Which I told him. ) And then he ended up basically ripping my panties off and starting to grind on me (mind you this whole time I'm kinda squirming and telling him no, hes batting me off like a fly) and then he tried to put his dick in. I told him no, he said okay, then tried again five minutes later. He succeeded, and I stopped telling him no because I felt like he probably wouldn't listen.

I am not a person who dislikes sex. It didn't feel bad. But I wasnt enjoying it. I actually kind of started to go along with it just to get it over with because I didn't trust that he would take my 'no' seriously.

Eventually he legit pulled out and came all over me (dick move anyways honestly), then within three minutes we got dressed, I called him an asshat, then he kissed me and left.

I went inside and legit felt some of the worst anxiety I've felt in some time because of another person. It doesn't feel real. I cried myself to sleep and have had some very mild anxiety attacks in the days following. I feel gross.

We got coffee yesterday. Like buds. It was fun. I was fine. We're still friends and I dont think he seems to realize that he did anything wrong. I didn't want it, but I went with it after struggling for a while to get it over with.

The reason I'm struggling to define this is because my head is telling me that if I really wanted him to stop I should have fought harder, if it was really rape I would be more traumatized and I would hate him. I wouldn't be his friend still. I wouldn't feel the need to keep him from having his feelings hurt or being upset. (I dont have any romantic feelings for him whatsoever.) I feel like I should be angrier. Like I should avoid him at all costs.

But I kind of just feel guilty for letting it happen. Am I really a victim if I didn't fight harder? It was scary. I trusted him to listen to my no because he's my friend, but that feels half assed. I didn't want to upset him because I didn't want to lose our friendship. He leaves in two weeks to his dad's half a state away and then he's leaving for the marines. I won't see him for a while. I don't know how to feel.

I just don't know what happened, or what to call it. I feel like the weight of it hasn't hit me yet.