My husband is the only person who really knows that I struggle with (what he thinks) is mild depression and anxiety, but what he and everyone else doesn’t know or see is the days I spend hours crying in the bed, laying in the bathroom floor, crying until I vomit. No one knows my depression is severe. In no way am I suicidal at all, but I think about death all the time. Our family gets by and we have enough to eat and pay bills, but we don’t live a luxurious life at all. I hate our house, I hate my life. I’m 9 weeks pregnant and I don’t even really want this child. I go back and forth but I always put on a smiling face for my husband, as he is excited. I want to go to school and work and have money. I want to move back to my home state. I don’t want to not have my other two kids gone all summer out of state with their dad. I want my kids on holidays. I’m struggling to keep it together but i feel completely and utterly broken. I have no idea how to tell my husband. When I told him I’m depressed and I want us to work towards changing our lives, he automatically went to the assumption that I didn’t want to be with him anymore and made it mostly about him and our relationship. Idk how to properly tell him it’s ME. It’s MEEEE. He doesn’t believe me. He means well and loves me to death but he’s extremely insecure, so it’s hard to talk to him. I love him and my children dearly, but I never pictured my life this way. I have no family. No friends. I’m alone. My mom died 3 months ago suddenly and it shook my core. I feel numb. Sorry I’m all over the place. I’m just writing as it comes to me. I’m sad. I’m depressed. I want my life to change. We can’t afford to buy another house right now because we just bought a new car with $350 payments each month. Which makes us qualify for almost nothing for a house. Our only option is to sell ours and rent and our house payment is $866/mo when rent is double that. We can’t afford anything now. What do I even do?! I want to see a counselor but I’m too afraid to tell him. I don’t want another conversation to go on for hours that ends in resentment towards him for the blame and assumptions he puts on me. I’m so lost