I'm tired. And I'm exhausted.

I'm tired of being the only one not pregnant when all of my friends have children.

I'm tired of seeing negative after negative.

I'm tired of AF visiting every month after spending 14 days wishing she wouldnt.

I'm tired of people thinking I'm "obsessed" or "feeling sorry for myself" just because theres one thing I want in the world right now & the universe is telling me I cant have it.

I'm tired of feeling like I let my husband down month after month even though he reassures me so many times it doesnt make me less of a woman because I haven't given him a child yet.

I'm tired of struggling.

I'm tired of crying at night while he's at work or crying silently to myself in the grocery store because I see a family with a wife pregnant with their 2nd or 3rd.

I'm tired. My soul is tired. And I'm so exhausted of getting high hopes.

I could write a novel on the ache of trying to conceive. The 20 cycles I've been through. The 40+ cycles some other women have been through. Everyone tells you "but trying to get pregnant is the fun part!" Obviously you've never tried to get pregnant. Doctor appointments for your fertility aren't fun. Seeing negative tests month after month aren't fun. We're young. We're supposed to be fertile & have fun with it & not stress. It will be worth it in the end. As I'm sitting here staring at this bathroom wall at 5 am, crying, I wonder. I wonder when will be the day I'm sitting here staring at this bathroom wall, crying, because I just received a positive test. I wonder when I will cry tears of joy & not of sadness. When I will rejoice because I get to tell my husband we are having our first child & I can look at him & say "we did it". But for now, I will keep trying. I will be happy for the women receiving their positives. I will be happy for the women trying for so long & finally getting their moment. Because I know I am not alone. I know there are women just like me who have been through their time & are blessed in their winning season after losing more than just their sense of hope, I'm sure, in their losing season. 💛