(This is just a 2am rant, I'd discuss these with him in person. We're fwb for ~ 1.5 years and he knows I've developed feelings)

Meeting you has been one of the weirdest life experiences so far. Everything about you was and still kind of is new to me. The attention, the touch, the conversations.

First time meeting you, I didn't really know where any of this was going to go. I don't think either of us really expected it to get to this point.

I dont know if you could tell, but I was kinda nervous meeting this cute boy at Panera in January '18. Nerves and anxiety were at an all time high, but you found ways to soothe them so quickly, only minutes after meeting. And that's when the new 'touch' aspect came in. While I avoided my first kiss that night, your assault on my neck left me feeling euphoric and in want of more. You always leave me wanting more. That night I tweeted a subtle gif of Guy Fieri saying 'holy moley' because that's exactly how I felt.

But the conversations died off soon after and I figured that was the end to this journey with this cute boy, which was lame but not unexpected.

Until maybe a month later when you messaged me again, checking up on me. I'm not sure why, and sometimes I still question what made you come back; were you just busy? Did I just seem like an easy target for your boyish activities (which is fine lol)? Did you feel bad?

I don't really care honestly, but I'm glad you came back, and we slowly built up a routine over that spring/summer. Late nights in my driveway. Nervously trying to respond to you knowingly any minute we'd be fogging up your windows.

Feelings grew, and the more I saw you, the more they bloomed. I continuously contemplated what this hot ass dude wanted with me.

Nonetheless, I gave up trying to figure that out. I opened up a little, talked a bit more, and increasingly grew more comfortable with this no longer random hot daddy from the internet.

That is until thoughts ran rampant.

What we grew was too good to be true in my eyes. I grew too comfortable and began developing feelings I've never felt before.

Telling you how I felt in that cringey ass card was nervewracking, but I figured it would either push you away or build us closer. I don't think it honestly really changed anything other than giving you more insight in to how I see you.

Kind of.

I like how close we've gotten, but it's also been a little rough.

I reached a point where I stopped letting things just flow, and let my thoughts take over. The thoughts of you with other girls. Of you touching them and saying the same things you'd say to me. When you went to Arizona the first time around and those pictures of you with someone else popped up kinda sucked, and then when you went back again I could only think of her being there with more stupid silly thoughts.

But that's another reason as to why I don't really chase you. Or message first too often. Or share more problems I'm having to you. If you were to stop messaging me or put an end to this, I'd let you. I wouldn't try to stop you. As much as I feel for you, I don't want to make you feel trapped in this weird thing with me or try to stop you from moving on even if it hurts.

I havent expressed this to you much because it's honestly fucking petty and gross and when I'm with you I'm more than content with the attention you give me. I know I've made it seem like I don't really care about the casualness, but it's gotten to me. Some times more than others.

But I know I have to continue on. I can't continue to battle these thoughts simply because I'm kind of selfish and like you a lil bit.

And that's why I sorta have to cut you off when you move on to grad school. Obviously if you need someone for anything, of course I'll be there. But I can't hold on to you in the same way, hoping you'll visit, or even I could visit to wherever your next step takes you.

I will never be able to move on past you if that's the case. And this being a casual thing, I need to be able to. Theres been a couple times where I've thought of trying to start things with other guys, but I could never bring myself to do it. Even if you moved away but still left a bit of hope in me, I still wouldn't be able to bring myself to do that.

None of these feelings are your fault. If anything my lack of socialization to build more connections than just you and a couple friends could be to blame.

But we're just 2 different people with 2 different life styles. The connection we've made has been wonderful and I'm still excited to see how you continue to grow and succeed. Theres going to be obstacles but you'll crush them in due time like always.

In conclusion, feelings fucking suck and can be irrelevant and shitty basically. But youve gotta deal with them and their shittiness until you can reach a new level of happiness.