DISCLAIMERS:

**this is going to be stupid long, my apologies.

**i am making this post not really for others but more for myself (i feel better when i rant)

**not all of you are going to agree with me . if anybody does decide to make comments please keep in mind that i am slightly sensitive about this topic so if you believe i handled the situation poorly or think i should have done something different, please be kind when saying so .

okayyy a little backstory, i met my (now ex) 3 years ago, (we'll call him D) he was my fairytale . i do not exaggerate at all when i say that he was truly everything i wanted & we had the picture perfect relationship YES including bad times because you cant have a picture perfect relationship without bad times lol . ANYWAYS after our two year mark (literally) we fell off for a while (we have done this before & if you knew our relationship personally, you would know that when we were "broken up" we were never actually broken up) ofc we ended up fixing things like always but, he started to change so much . he cared less, he didnt do things how he used to , he wouldnt text me back for hours sometimes hed go a whole day without texting me . basically, he changed drastically . i couldnt feel his love anymore 💔 he was a whole new person & i had no idea why . so i spent a whole year trying to fix whatever the hell went wrong . i begged him to stop acting STUPID, i hurt about it for so long, cried to him, screamed at him pretty much lost my insanity while trying to fix what used to be my dream guy ); he always told me that "im crazy he hasnt changed at all im just taking stuff wrong" & that was a very shocking response to get from him because he was always HUGE on communication & understanding . so whenever we had issues he was more than willing to listen to how i felt & he always did his part instead of telling me "im crazy" or "im trippin" so i spent all of that time , killing myself trying to get him back . around 5 months ago we both made a decision that this is not working & that its best to let it go for real this time . all though we made this decision, we still continued to talk everyday because thats how we have always been . we fell off abt 5 months ago but i had already started to let go around 6 months ago maybe ? anyway so i spent those 5-6 months working on getting over him, my mental & emotional health, i really was and still am just focused on bettering myself & moving on . well.. i finally did . it seemed impossible but i did let go, i fell out of love with him . ofc i will always have an endless amount of love FOR him because of our history, but i am not in love with him anymore & i could have honestly said i was truly content & happy without him ..... so now on the timeline we are at last thrusday.... when i had sex with somebody else for the first time :/ the day after that me & D had gotten into a heated argument & he had said something like "you probably out here fuckin everybody anyway" & i got super mad and was like "yeah, i did last night" so ofc he started asking me for his name & we went back n forth for a while & he said some coldd heartless things but i didnt take any of it to heart bc i knew he was most likely hurt about what i had done . FAST FORWARD TO 2 HOURS INTO THIS ARGUMENT, he said "do you want to know everything i did and the names" im likeee ???? whattt ? he was talking about the girls he had been with since we had fell off .. at least thats what i thought . so i was like sure why not THIS DUMB ASS SENDS ME PICTURES & A VIDEO OF HIM & THIS GIRL ALL OVER EACH OTHER IN THE MIRROR . but GET THIS... it was while we were together . & so i was shocked bc wow . i spent all this time trying to get "the perfect guy" back... but he was never perfect to begin with . he had sex with that girl right abt the same time me & him had fallen off ( around the two year mark that i told you about) & i was lowkey a little hurt so we went at it & then he tried to convince me that me fucking somebody now, is worse than him fucking somebody back then... ????? howwwww LMAOO so we went back n forth for a while & then i said something like "i dont know why i keep dragging this on tbh i think im waiting for you to tell me that you didnt really do it, you just said you did bc you were hurt. but the proof is in da pudding . i had sex months after we fell off & i finally moved on . you had sex while i was still talking about marrying you 💔 . theres never a chance of us ever relighting this & i dont have anything else to say so dont reach out to me ever again" THEN he started to say a bunch of "im sorry bro ." blah blah blah & i think the last thing he said was some corny shit like "fuck you yo for bein the best thing that happened to me" & i replied with "stop texting me" & he didnt respond until yesterday with a HUGEEE essay about how he went to church & the verse was talking about how love is patient & even tho it goes thru hard times its still foreverr . & that hes sorry for anything hes ever done , any pain or stress he may have caused me . he said he wasnt writing all of this for forgiveness bc he knows thats something im probably not ready to give him or ever . & that i should know that even though we will probably never be how we used to be , he will always be here for me & ill never be a regular girl to him ( when i told him i had sex he had said that he didnt love me anymore & that i was just a regular girl) and i did not reply back . now although i am glad that i didnt find out abt this until now because if i would have found out months ago, i probably would have fell over & died . since i dont feel the same about him that i used to, it didnt hurt that bad as much as it was SO disappointing . like even though we didnt work out right now, my naive corny ass still thought that he would be the man i ended up with regardless . you have to understand that he was so perfect to me that i was completely convinced that i was literally destined to marry him even if i didnt love him right now . but now that ik he cheated its like WOW you were never even my perfect guy, the bond, the love .. it was fake . & that , that really crushed my heart 💔 the fact that , no . we arent supposed to meet years later & fall back in love like i had hope . i know things between us obviously werent going to work right now but i still was 100% convinced that there was no body else REALLY for me . & this, this situation really broke my heart 💔 . if you are still reading, thank you for spending ur time on this .