I need to vent and I have no one really to vent too. So I hope it's okay that I get things off my shoulders here.

Yesterday I stared at my bottle of muscle relaxers I had from a wreck I was in two years ago that I never took and seriously debated whether or not to take the whole bottle. I've dealt with chemical depression and anxiety for going on 12 years now and lately it's just been absolute hell. None of those years prepared me for what it's like to also deal with conditional depression, the kind that feels like there's no light at the tunnel because the reasons I feel this way will never change. At least before when I only had chemical depression I always told myself "one day, you'll find the right dosage of medication that will balance the chemicals in your brain and make you feel normal" but what do I tell myself now, when my sister passed away unexpectedly 8 months ago, and I know it's something I'll never come to peace with. How can i possibly drag myself out of this when nothing will ever bring her back? I've never in my life felt this depressed and that's saying a lot because I was taken out of my last 3 years of high school by my doctor solely because of depression and anxiety.

Dealing with such bad anxiety I've never been able to hold down a job, I have panic attacks just trying to stop at a gas station. My sister was quadriplegic and I was hired by her insurance as her caregiver - it was a blessing for both of us because she didn't want to be taken care of by a stranger and I couldn't work anywhere else so we took care of each other. I lost my sister and my job at the same time and honestly I don't care about the job part, money means nothing to me, but it means something to my landlords and my electric company and gas stations and grocery stores and every other bill that doesn't stop when a tragedy happens. Grieving her while stressing over bills and having no job or money at the same time is more than I have the mental capacity for. My mom has helped me with my share of the bills and I feel like I've just been this huge burden on her while she's also been grieving and it's not fair to her even though she would never not help me and understands how much i struggle with anxiety. I've mentally checked out and no matter what I do I cannot get myself to check back in. I literally haven't showered in 3 weeks or brushed my hair for longer than that or brushed my teeth. I used to shower twice a day, do my makeup everyday, take care of myself, but now I honestly just don't care. Like even knowing I haven't showered so long - I know I SHOULD care, but, I just don't 🙁 I feel guilty that my boyfriend has a girlfriend like me, I think about the fact that all his exes probably took good care of themselves and looked pretty all the time and didn't have depression. I'm 12 weeks pregnant right now and I'm terrified, if I cant even make myself shower in 3 weeks how on earth am I going to take care of a baby? Im trying so hard to get myself into a routine so that when the baby gets here it won't be such a drastic change but I'm failing miserable at that everyday. It's difficult because on top of depression the hormones from pregnancy have messed with me mentally even more, and have also made me so sick, I've thrown up multiple times a day every single day since I was 4 weeks pregnant and that in itself has been emotionally exhausting and it doesn't seem to be getting better. I have the worst migraines that acetaminophen doesn't help...and I've had a lot of complications already in this pregnancy..having a subchorionic hemorrhage that put me on bed rest for weeks. I know that I'm exciting to be a mom and start my family, it's one of the biggest things I've always wanted, but I can't physically feel any happiness right now and I feel guilty for it. Everyone is so excited for me, I'm surrounded by so much love and support. I have a huge family..I have the best mom and best boyfriend and grandparents and so many aunts and uncles and cousins that have been here for me. One of my closest cousins even brought me a bunch of preggie stuff early on in my pregnancy, ginger ale, crackers, nausea candy, Pedialyte, prenatals ect, and I feel so guilty that I have so much love and support and still just don't even want to be here. I feel like a bad daughter, granddaughter, girlfriend, cousin and niece but worst of all a bad mother already. I'm honestly so scared that this depression isn't going to get any better before my baby gets here and I don't want to be depressed during what should be the happiest time of my life. 😔