It’s been 7 years of me trying to find stable friendships, but I always tend to lose them pretty quick. I’ve lost friends so many times in my life, and that made me think that I don’t deserve to have any and that I am the problem I can’t have any.

I’ve turned 18 this month, and all I asked was some independence and freedom, something I’ve NEVER had living with my parents. If I was from the US, I’d definitely move out, but where I live this is not a normal thing to do. People here live with their parents until they find a partner or even until they get married and get a house. And here’s the problem. I’ll be stuck with them for at least 5 years from now.

So, the problem is, whenever I go out with friends, I’ll go there with the guilt that my parents built up on me before going. Even if It’s a quiet family friendly place like a cafe or a restaurant or the mall. I’ll go there with the stress that I’ll have to finish early and go home at a time that won’t bother them. Basically, they believe that there is no such thing such as true friends, and that in one year from now we’ll never see each other again.

I’m 18 and not allowed to go out at night, go support friends (eg. help them get ready for dates etc), go at night clubs which are legal for my age, and especially meet guys. And in day time? Whenever I arrange to go for a coffee or lunch, I’ll go there with all the guilt that it’s possible to have and have a shitty time.

Last night, my friends went out at a night club. I really wanted to go, but when they asked me I replied “sorry, I can’t come on Thursday because my father has work the next day” and my reply was totally ignored. They didn’t even answer to me to make me feel better, and after that they didn’t even bother to text me about other things. Whenever I texted them, they would be dull and simple in their responses as if I’m the most boring person alive. And this is all my parents fault, especially my father’s. Last time he came at the night club and grabbed me away before I even entered. He made me cry in front of my friends outside that night club and in front if other people. That was a really shameful night. Probably the worst of my life. When we came home he yelled at me as much as he possibly could. It felt worse than actual physical pain (which he never practiced on me, but at that moment I felt like he would).

It’s been a week, I’m canceling plans with friends because I know I won’t be allowed to go and I don’t want to bother asking my parents for permission. I hate that disappointment. I just don’t know how to deal with this. I feel prisoned.