It’s not normal for me to complain when I have so much in my life to be thankful for but I don’t understand how we can fall into the 1% of people who have 3 losses in a row and no babies yet. I know I’m not alone, but I’m just trying so hard to make sense of why this is happening! 😭

I took my IUD out in October 2018 we got pregnant in December and miscarried at 5+2 weeks, my cycle was wonky after so we didn’t conceive until of course my Birthday in May, silly me thinking that was a sign, and miscarried at 4+2 weeks.

At this point we went to my OBGYN who tested me for everything under the sun: Lupus, diabetes, hypo/hyperthyroidism, factor V... etc. she finally prescribed progesterone for us and then June 10th while at a wedding we conceived again and I thought for sure 3 times a charm! (My niece turned out to be 5 weeks pregnant at her wedding and I’m so happy for her but I was so looking forward to being pregnant together) We finally made it to 6 weeks before we were able to see a heartbeat although it was a little low and 2 weeks later we went in on Wednesday to see the baby had stopped progressing at 7 weeks and there was no heartbeat.

I elected for a D&C this morning but this all just feels so cruel. Our OBGYN has told us there’s nothing more she can do so she’s referring us to a reproductive endocrinologist and my husband and I have been instructed to not start trying again until we can handle another loss, which makes sense. I just feel all the joy ripped from me for ever finding out if I’m pregnant again, and maybe that’s a good thing.

I keep getting people telling me how strong they think I am and all I can selfishly think is I wish I didn’t have to be strong, I wish this 3rd time would have been our 🌈 and instead I’m left here holding our baby in a surgical tub to say goodbye and to say I’m sorry I selfishly asked we would be able to bring you home with us in 9 months.

There’s no good reason for any loss and I know someday we will make it through this difficult time because the only way is forward but it just doesn’t seem fair.

Thank you for reading my rant I hope no one can relate but I understand there has to be someone out there who does. My heart is with you strong mommas who keep moving forward through your losses.