I cannot believe all of the feelings I have right now.

My goal all along was to breastfeed for six months. When I started and realized just how difficult it was, I set short term goals, met them, and kept going.

Now, I always knew I would need to transition to formula before I returned to work. Yes, I know if I tried hard enough I could pump at work but I am a teacher with limited time (I teach multiple grade levels on top of our always hectic schedules) and I realized that I could either transition to formula for the daytime meals, get work done during my prep, and be able to enjoy time with my daughter once we are home, instead of having even more work to do when I got home with her. I hoped to be able to keep the morning and night feeds until one year. I thought I was at peace with that plan.

Recently, she's been fighting breastfeeding. I introduced some formula because, besides the transition to formula and start of daycare approaching, she is in the 5th percentile and I felt my supply was dropping and I didn't want her to not be fed.... Tonight, she bit me, hard, and I just really felt like that was it, the last straw. She was hungry, clearly, and crying and all I could think is this is no longer a positive bonding experience. This isn't the first time, it's been getting more and more difficult. I know that now she is more aware that the faster nipple flow no longer matches what she gets breastfeeding.

Long long long story short, I do know this is the right choice for us and our relationship and her health (you should see the difference in how much she filled out since adding some formula!)... But I am feeling absolutely awful. Guilty and selfish and like I'm a failure and letting her down. I just had to get this out in a group where people might understand all of this.

If you made it this far, thank you for listening. 💗