I know it's almost been a year. I am well aware that they would have been about 2 months old by now. But why the fuck did that have to happen? Yes I know my rainbow will be here soon. But I cant help but to think that my girls will be upset. I mean I think about them all the time. I dont really like to talk about them. Hardly anyone knows that bella had little curly hairs on her head. Jazmine ( the smaller of the twos) feet were huge. I cant stop thinking that they think that I replaced them. I hate ttts ( twin to twin tr syndrome) I wish that I wasn't raised the way I was. Because i could have gotten a surgery that could have saved bella. But I couldn't bring myself to lose jazmine. Because the operation had a high chance that jaz wouldn't survive. So I didn't get it. I hate myself for that decision. And I now know how hard that choice is to make. And I am so sorry for everyone that had to terminate a pregnancy. I remember the day I was told they both had died. I wanted to scream off the top of my lungs. But nothing came out. I simply whent to my dorm and went to sleep because fuck reality. I was hiding from the world just going to classes and hiding under blankets when I delivered them I was in my dorm restroom. My roommate held my hand as I cried in the bathtub holding my babies since I wasn't allowed to leave my campus for any 6my roommate helped me put them in a tampon box and make shure that the smell was covered until I got a couple of my friends to take them to the cemetery and buried them my husband and i weren't there I could not get off campus no matter how hard I tried. I miss my girls. For the time I had them they were their dads and my world. I remember everything even the parts I dont want to. Fml and fuck ttts