Dear, one I called my brother

It’s been over 10 years now but I still have underlying issues. What I can remember vividly, you probably don’t remember at all. The way you took the ‘step’ in step brother made it okay. “It’s okay you can trust me. It’s okay. It’s okay. Just don’t tell your mom.” I trusted you because you were my family, which makes it even more disgusting. I was only 8, you were 17. “It’s okay for step siblings to do this, we’re not blood”, you said as you kissed my mouth and touched me in places that now when I’m touched there I tense up and can’t enjoy myself. The doubt in my stomach stuck there all because of the words ‘ you can trust me’. As you can imagine I can’t trust most people when they assure me that I can. I blamed myself for 9 years, thought of myself as disgusting and unworthy, like I deserved that. I was only 8, wearing my favorite dress. My mom and your dad got into a fight. I was scared so you let me sleep in your room. I viewed you as my brother. The ‘step’ made no difference. You used it as leeway. You used an 8 year old girl to satisfy your teenage boy needs. Although I still tense up when the man I love tries to please me, because something inside of me is telling me it’s wrong even though I know it is TRULY okay; at least i don’t blame myself anymore.