Let me start by saying I have the most beautiful baby girl and I’d go through everything again for her, she’s my world 💕. My husband and I unexpectedly fell pregnant, and we were terrified as well as excited. I was worried because we make the same amount of money so I knew maternity leave would be a devastating pay cut. We squirreled as much into savings as possible and I thought it would be enough. Amelia came early (37 weeks) and I loved her, but I felt... odd. I was crying a lot, having self-harm thoughts, wishing I could be just left alone, sobbing nightly because the world felt to heavy for me. I was put on lexapro for postpartum depression anxiety, it worked wonderfully! At first. But lately I’ve been spiraling again. I’m feeling the way I did at the beginning. I’m stressed about finances and don’t know how I’m going to make rent, I’ve gone back to work part time but childcare is expensive. My weight is spiraling out of control over the lexapro and I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been, I feel unattractive, my husband says I’m still beautiful to him but he hasn’t touched me in a very long time and rejects any sexual advances I make towards him. I can hardly get myself out of bed most days, I find it hard to make myself food. My house is a mess and I’m so overwhelmed. I try to distract myself with YouTube and movies but all I can think about is how unfair it seems that these actors and youtubers have so much money and I just wish I could have that. Right now I’d love to just grocery shop for food rather than having to rely on foodbanks for food and most of it’s basically rotten by the time I get it. I’m trying to get signed up for wic but I’m close the the pay limit which seems impossible since I can’t even afford to buy food. I just can’t pull myself out of this, the world just seems so cruel right now. I’ve made an appointment to get seen in a few days. I just needed a space to vent. Here’s a picture of my babygirl, the only thing that keeps me holding on these days.