It’s been two weeks since a gave birth to my little girl at 15 weeks 4 days. My emotions are still all over the place and the sadness comes out of no where and is very overwhelming. In the days after loosing her, my body was sore, the cramps were awful, I was bleeding through everything, but what really hurt was my milk coming in, the milk that was supposed to feed my baby, the milk I had to let painfully dry up. There are moments when I feel great, when I feel like I’m going to be ok and and continue on, then there are moments like the one I just had where my heart feels like it’s breaking and I can’t help but to sob and ask god out loud why this happened. I still don’t understand anything, just when I think I’ve accepted that there was a reason for all this my thoughts shift and question everything. Did I eat something wrong? Was it the vitamins I missed those few days? Was it chasing my toddler at the park in the heat two days before? What was it? What could I have done? These questions tear me apart because I will never had the answer. What really sucks is I had only just found out she was a girl two days prior, my whole pregnancy I thought she was a boy and when they said girl I just felt so much joy and love, and to have that taken so quickly was numbingly devastating. I’ve question myself as a person and a mom, wondering if I was being punished for something but when I’m thinking clearly I remember I’m a good person with a big heart and I’m the best mom to my son, I pour all of myself into my family and while it’s tiring there is no better thing in the world to me, so why me? It’s hard to remember that there are so many women who go through this, women much farther along then I was, women days away from meeting there babies or women who just brought their babies home. It’s so easy to forget because it such an isolating and lonely thing to experience, you leave the hospital empty handed, you go home and try to process what the hell just happened and try to figure out how to go on with life after that, then at your check up all the doctors are quiet with you and have u wait in a room instead of waiting area with all the women still pregnant. All you hear is I’m so sorry, and you can try again, and god has a plan etc etc, but I don’t care to hear any of that, I’m so sorry for myself and I know I can try again and I pray so hard that god has a plan and that he was saving my baby girl from a life that was less then what she deserved. Everyday is different and I’ve just been trying to roll with what emotion I feel at a given hour on a day and let myself feel whatever I’m feeling. I try to enjoy the happy the smiles and the laughs with my son, I let myself cry and sob, when I’m angry I’m angry, the worst one is denial or loss of emotion, almost this feeling of nothing happened and I’m just living my life until reality sets in, that one is the hardest. All I really want is to have another healthy baby and bring them home with me, I can’t wait until that day comes again, and that is what’s getting me through the thought of being pregnant again and having the pregnancy the birth and the baby I deserve .