DISCLAIMER: **I hope this doesn’t send anyone spiraling like I have been lately.

I’m not in a good mental place right now to take rude comments or heavy criticism.

Nobody actually has to read any of this, I’ve just got to get it out of my brain. It’s kind of a long one. If you like conspiracy theories, you might like this a little.**

I keep waking up in cold sweats terrified over things that actually have no answers. Am I being paranoid and crazy? Absolutely. Am I still letting it bother me? Very much. I was looking at my friend today, and couldn’t help but think; how do I know that she’s even real? I don’t feel what she feels. I don’t even know if she feels at all. How do I know anyone is even real? The entire thought of the complex systems of consciousness throughout the world confuses the shit out of me. How do I know anything is true? I know what I’ve been taught in school but there’s no proof to any of it. Does everyone really have their own individual awareness? Of course everyone will say they do. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t tell me out of fear of ruining whatever this multiverse/life is. Maybe I am dead. Maybe this is my brain filling in the pieces so I don’t figure it out. And what happens when we do die? My entire life I’ve had Christianity shoved down my throat, as many others have with other religions. I just accepted it, but really I don’t believe in magic or miracles or anything of the sort. It terrifies me to think that when we die, that is it. There’s nothing. Sometimes I think about it so much I start hyperventilating. It can’t just be nothing. It can’t. Something has to happen to the consciousness we all supposedly have. Maybe this is it. My life is no where near where I thought it would be. At all. I ruined my entire future. Maybe it’s because I’m dead and my brain it’s creating a future for me based on what it knows. Which unfortunately, isn’t much. Maybe we’re all dead, trapped in the conscious our brain left us with. That’s why some of us are just different. Why we have weird habits we can’t break. Why so many college students change majors so often, because they died so long ago their brain cant complete the future they wanted, just what they had. Why dejavu and the mandala effect is so prominent. Why the actual idea of it all makes my head throb, it doesn’t want me to know. I know it’s all very far fetched, but that’s what’s been bouncing around in my brain for a month. I’m starting to panic. And nothing I’m worried about has any factual answers.