So this weekend we are up in the finger lakes in New York, if you don’t know they are pretty much all surrounded by wineries, breweries, and distilleries.. I’m still breastfeeding my LO and I told myself “alcohol isn’t that important. Waiting hours just to feed her isn’t worth it. No big deal you can enjoy the wineries in the future we do this trip every year”. Well, my husband and mother in law convinced me to enjoy myself and my husband had the baby to take care of .. he was completely sober because he was driving us around. Well I did our tastings..and then a another at the second place .. and I said ok that’s enough and my mother and law pushed for me to relax and keep going. The baby had formula if she got hungry. So I let myself do another.

It was all fine and dandy and I was feeling great telling myself I MADE A HUMAN THIS YEAR I CAN HAVE ONE DAY TO ENJOY MYSELF

Well..

She started fussing and I LOST it.. I was not sober enough to feed my baby, I didn’t trust myself to pick her up to comfort her, I didn’t want to buckle her in her car seat just in case .. I felt so. damn. guilty. I knew my husband was perfectly capable of taking care of her. It was not that I didn’t trust him! He’s amazing with her. But I couldn’t be there for my baby.. she’s only 3 months old! She needs her mama! It’s only been 3 months of parenthood I didn’t “deserve this” I’ve only been a parent for like.. 10 minutes ! This could of waited ! I had a full blown meltdown. It felt like it took forever to be sober again. I had 7 other people around me to take care of her but I was her mommy and I didn’t even trust myself to hold her. My husband calmed me down finally. I couldn’t stop crying. She would fuss or cry and I’d cry harder.

Any other mommies felt this way about anything ? I hope I’m not alone 😞 safe to say I’m not drinking even a sip of alcohol for a very long time. I don’t need it. She’s my #1 priority.