i met my partner february 2018. before we ever had sex, i was hesitant, and i told him it was because i was raped.

this is true, or i thought it was..now i’m feeling just..i don’t know, weird. guilty. for several reasons. i’ve been feeling like this for a long time. i wish i’d never even told him at all.

he always thought i was lying or “kidding” when i say my body count was 0 until he took my virginity. he says well how is that possible if you were raped before we met..?

my exact words were “someone forcing themselves on you doesn’t count as sex” ...i guess i didn’t make it clear..maybe i wasn’t raped, but i was sexually assaulted. maybe i should’ve used those words.

the guy drugged me somehow, we were smoking what i thought was weed and clearly wasn’t. i was out of it and “woke up” to him talking to me and coercing me and his hand in my pants. i don’t know what happened in between, if i agreed to sleep with him, or what.

i just remember i did NOT want it to happen and i was panicking and telling him to stop, his fingers were inside me and i just wanted him to stop so bad.

he never got to the point of actually...raping me i guess. just his fingers. so i guess i wasn’t raped ...

idk. i’m feeling so guilty and weird about it. it’s been over a year but i still feel so gross about the situation and wish it never happened. i feel too ashamed to admit that i wasn’t “raped” and just fingered, because i feel like i lies and it makes me feel guilty now.

my partner was my first and still is my only ever sexual partner. he says not if i was raped. idk why it’s been on my mind so much lately. i’ve never even talked about it to anyone until now...

i know it doesn’t really seem like a big deal..i guess i just wanted to get it all off my chest and hear you lovely ladies input.... thank you for listening.