don’t read

I just needed somewhere to put this. Don’t read it. its just trash I wrote when I was sad

-

-

-Mom?

Are you there mom?

Mom, can you hear me?

Mom, it's me

Not the me you see, the real me

I'm here, but mom I'm lost

Mom help me find you

Mom? I want to go home

This isn't home

Home is safe

Home is good

Home is good

This isn't home

This is hell

This is torture

I can't hear myself

Mom! I'm drowning

I can't breathe mom

It stings mom

It's the cold mom

I'm the cold mom

Mom? Please mom

Please mom

Please mom

Please mom

Help me, Mom

Find me, mom

I can't see

I can't breathe

I'm not safe

Mom?

It hurts mom, everywhere

God mom it hurts

I'm bleeding

When did I get cut

Oh, wait, mom?

I did that

I made me bleed

Because for a second

I could breathe

I could see

I could be okay

But Mom? I'm not okay again

-

-

-

Everyone else wants to recover

I want to relapse

I pray for that moment alone

I pray for my skin to tear

And I pray for help

I watch the red dots dance on my swollen skin

I watch the light dim in my eyes

I watch the sun go down

I watch as I slowly die

I watch me smile

I watch me pretend

I watch me lie

I watch me feel nothing but empty

I watch me fade

I watch the stars die out like the rest of the good

I watch as everything goes black

I watch as I take my final breath

I watch as I stop watching

I watch I watch I watch I watch I watch

I watch but don't feel

Soon there will be nothing to watch

Goodbye peeking eyes, it's time to rest

-

-

-

How does it feel to be a fuckup?

I wish I didn't know the answer

I know the answer all too well

Everyone tells me so

I believe them now

What was the point of holding out?

How’d I miss their honesty?

Were they ever actually joking?

I'll never get to know now

I'm sorry, I hope when I'm gone

It'll help you feel better

I didn't mean to make you sad

-

-

-

-

As the days go on life seems darker

More Sinister

It hurts to walk now

I've never felt so weak

My arms lay lazily by my side

How long can I do this?

That's such a frequent question

I'm getting scared now

The more time that passes

The more I feel the same

Cold

Empty

Hurt

Sad

How do I fix this?

-

-

-

I sit there teetering on the edge

Words engraved in my skin

As I wait to fall

Something catches my eye

It's the sunlight peeking through the night sky

I've never seen it this way before

The sun even looks dim

In that moment as the beginning rays begin to shine

I decide they are my last rays, I'll see in this lifetime

-

-

-

-

The circles under my eyes are growing

I'm getting paler

I'm getting thinner

I'm dying a little bit more

I'm hurting a little longer

-

-

-

The epitome of hell is in my head

I can feel it

Pulsing

The temptation

The Worry

The Fear

The hatred

The Anger

The Terror

The Pain

The isolation

And it's fucking winning

-

-

-

've been suffering in silence

It's always been easier alone

Opening up is so hard now

How do I tell people my thoughts

They'll think I'm crazy

-

-

-

It's only getting worse

I was trying so hard to swim to the surface

My heart raced faster than i could breathe

My eyes darted corner to corner looking for an exit

My body was shaking as I tried to slow down and breathe

But i couldn't breathe

I felt as if I was submerged in invisible water

Like it only filled my lungs

So i couldn't speak

I couldn't Breathe

I couldn't move

I couldn't Live

It got so bad that I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a sword

Like one swipe and id fall and cease to exist in that very moment

It was the very definition of my worst fears manifesting like they're alive to haunt me

-

-

-

I was so worried that I couldn't function

I don't know about what

But it was bad enough that I couldn't breathe,

Eat,

Sleep,

Relax,

Focus,

Or properly exist

Its days like this where i feel fake,

Like i'm a porcelain doll just waiting to fall and shatter

Waiting for someone to use me and make me worth staying together

But no,

Instead i couldnt breath

I had to choke on my own panic

-

-

-

Powerless

Haveyou ever looked upon something you once loved,

And felt nothing?

Have you ever ate just enough to live because everything,

Tasted the same?

Have you ever given up on everything and everyone,

Including yourself?

Have you ever felt so weak you didn't know if you'd make it

To see the next day?

Have you ever lost every positive thing you could even imagine

Just because of how horrible you are?

Have you ever begged to give up?