i am SO heartbroken. my wife and i have been together for 14 years, engaged for 3, married for 7. she was my everything. my rock, my heart, my love.. just the most beautiful soul i’d ever met.

something that made her stand out so much was how passionate she was. everything she did she just loved. painting, sports, watching the sun set, just living was enough for her, and that’s what really breaks my heart. all she wanted to do was LIVE.

she was always very passionate about starting a family. i was worried when we were first together because i’m a girl and i knew i couldn’t give her fully biological children, and i was scared i wasn’t enough for her. but she grabbed my face, looked me in the eyes and said to me-

“you will always be enough. always.”

and so after years of talking about options: adoption, surrogates, sperm donors, etc: we decided on a sperm donor. she was so ready to be a mom. the doctor DID warn us, because she’s on the older side to be having kids, but i do have friends even older who had low-risk, healthy, safe pregnancies. so i wasn’t too worried, and neither was she. she always looked on the bright side of everything.

she went into labor two days ago. her water broke, i took her to the hospital, everything was going great. she was having contractions, dilated at a normal rate. i held her hand the whole time and she was crying. crying because of pain, but also because this is what she wanted her whole life. she was so excited and i could see it in her eyes how full of life she was.

and then just a few hours later i watched that life fade.

it was so sudden. the doctors started talking to one another and raising their voices, giving orders to one another. i looked down at her and she looked a little out of it. i asked them what was wrong and they didn’t say anything.

i could see katherine push with everything she had left in her, and the baby came out and she was holding her in her arms and the baby was looking up at her and katherine was looking at her and i could tell between them that they were eachothers hope. they were everything to each other and it was just love. pure love.

and then she died. doctors said it had something to do with the amount of blood loss and something with her heart, and they said they tried to do everything they could.

i took the baby after, and i felt warmth and pain. i was holding a piece of katherine, a piece of her that was so cherished and all i want to do is give this baby girl the world.

my daughter is two days old now, i’m still in the hospital with her. they’re making sure she’ll be alright. and everything’s looking really, really good. now it’s my job to name her. katherine always said “the name will come to me when i see her, i can’t just choose one and give it to her, it might not fit her.”

i’d really love to name her after her mother, katherine dorè. my mom and dad thinks that’s strange to name her after her mother, and maybe just go with katherine because the middle name is weird. ive always loved her middle name, it means golden in french. but i think that’s just because they didn’t approve of our relationship. they have a problem with me being gay, and because of that every girl i took home was automatically trying to corrupt me in their minds.

but when i look down at this beautiful baby, i see katherine. i love that woman with everything inside me, and now i love this baby with everything inside me. and id love to name her after her breathtaking, lovely, courageous, smart, (and a bit headstrong sometimes lol, in the best way though)mother.

my friend told me it may help to vent on a a place like this, filled with other strong women who might’ve gone through something similar. thank you