I’ve been on and off with this guy since April. He has ruined me in every way. And I still would keep going back to him. He has made me lose many friends and people don’t take me seriously anymore because of him. He is crazy manipulative, he constantly lies to me and it is always so believable that it makes me forgive him for whatever shit he has pulled and he gets me in bed with him. I know that is all he wants is my body. But he always tells me he wants to be serious and he will prove me wrong whenever I confront him and all this other bullshit. I know I shouldn’t listen to words and require action but if you understood they way he speaks it always makes me believe him. He tells me he doesn’t talk to other girls in that way and always shows me his phone without me asking to prove it but all I see is a bunch of girls he claims are like “a sister to him”, “a close friend I knew from school” and I believe him but I go back home and realise he was talking shit.

He always calls me late at night to meet, never during the day. He doesn’t even have me on any social media anymore and never calls or texts just for a conversation. But right in the beginning of us talking, he would call me all the time and meet me just to go on walks and hang out and we was only intimate once during this period. After we had sex he told one of his friends and everyone found out about it and made a huge deal and I lost a few friends. He would slowly stop meeting me and then he just stopped hitting me up all together. I really liked him and I used other boys to try and get over him which I know is wrong but I had no idea what I was doing. He found out I slept with other guys and hmu again. He said he wanted to speak but it had to be in person, me assuming it must of been serious went to meet (at this point I was slightly over him), turns out he just wanted to know if what I was doing was true and he got me to fuck him again. Then we slept together again the next night and he wanted to take a picture of me to keep to himself, I didn’t want to at first but he convinced me he wouldn’t show anyone. The next day I find out the picture was going around, the photo didn’t bug me that much since you couldn’t see anything besides my back and ass in a thong but the fact that he broke his promise destroyed me. He tried explaining that he only showed one person and that person ended up posting it but it didn’t make up for the fact that he still lied, I told him we can never meet anymore and then he stopped bothering to call me. Many people cut me off after this happened and saw me as a joke, a hoe, slut and called me everything else you can imagine.

I went to this party two days ago which he happened to be at, I got drunk with my best friend and neither of us could go home. Since we were desperate and knew he always has a free place during the night we hit him up just for a favour (it was cold, dark and we didn’t know where else to go), he agreed and we met and he was with two of his friends which we was fine with. We were all just chilling but I was still mad over what he did and he knew. He took me to his room alone because he wanted to talk to me about everything and explained thoroughly how the picture leaked and how bad he felt about it, how he also argued with everyone that posted it. I told him yeah maybe I can move past it and straight away he was kissing me and trying to take off my clothes. I tried to avoid kissing him back and I told him to stop and that I wasn’t ready to give it to him again but he just kept saying that it was gonna be fine and that I don’t have to worry about him leaving me because he wants me for real this time and so I just let him continue. Afterwards we went back into the other room that everyone was in and after about ten minutes he wanted me and my best friend gone because his mum was coming home and he wasn’t allowed girls over. So we did but we asked if him and his boys would come to the Tesco with us which is open 24/7. So he agreed and we waited outside for about 20 minutes. Him and his friends finally came but he would hardly speak or even look at me. In fact he was giving a lot more attention to my best friend. This of course got to me and I’m pretty sure he knew that. I started walking far behind him with one of his friends who I would play fight and yes flirt a bit but I didn’t think he would care since he wasn’t even speaking to me. Today I actually found out he asked my best friend if she would have sex with him during our walk to Tesco and she of course said no because of me. Yep pretty fucked up considering he had literally just slept with me.

But before I knew he had done that, I met him again last night, my intention was to just talk to him about how he really feels about me and if he actually wants to be serious, but I didn’t quite get the chance. As soon as I got to his place he started kissing me and taking my clothes off. I did know we were probably going to have sex but I didn’t think he would do it as soon as I got there. After a while I stopped him halfway and told him I wanted to leave, of course he wanted to know why so I said to him I knew he was full of shit and that he didn’t actually want to be serious with me. This is when he started pleading with me and telling me he wants me and showing me his phone. He tried saying that if he was just using me for my body than he would be talking to other girls too and this just seemed like the dumbest excuse ever because he does talk to a lot of girls and he couldn’t prove he wasn’t talking to them the same way as with me. He even told me about a girl he was just friends with who he was taking out for a meal earlier today at a nice restaurant but he didn’t want me to worry about it. I told him that it was clearly a date and I’m not an idiot. Then he started acting like I was crazy. I thought whatever let’s just get tonight over with and this is gonna be the last time I sleep with him.

And so I’ve decided to cut him off. I don’t even enjoy fucking him anymore. It just reminds me of how much of a bitch I am for going back to him. But for some reason I still can’t get him out of my head. I wish it was him who really wanted me so I could crush his heart and play around with him so I could show him how it feels. I want him to realise what the fuck he’s doing and how badly he’s fucked up. But then I know this won’t ever happen because he has already gotten what he’s wanted and there is nothing I can do. I know it’s gonna take me ages to get over him and I know that my feelings might get in the way and I will end up letting him back in even though I fully know he is trash. I really don’t know what to do anymore. He has made me so depressed realising how much I have fucked up, how he has made people see me and I’ve lost most of the people who cared about me all because of this guy.