This is going to sound so fucked up I don’t even want to write it but please help me understand this because I don’t understand it at all and I feel so disgusted by myself.

I was having sex with my husband and it turned into a marathon session. We were going for over 2 hours, and it got to the point where it felt so good that I knew I couldn’t hold in my screams, but we live with other people right now so I told him to stop because I didn’t want to make noise and I couldn’t take it.

He stopped and flipped me on my side and kept kissing me and rubbing me and I told him to stop but he pulled me on top of him and kept kissing me. I kept telling him to stop and he definitely was trying to persuade me into it, but when I kept saying “stop” he did, because he’s a good guy.

Now, here’s the fucked up part. I realized that part of me was hoping that while I was saying “stop,” he was going to keep going and force me into it. I was saying stop, but part of me wanted him to pin me down and just fuck me like crazy while I tried to stop him.

Which of course, he wouldnt do. And now that the moment is over I feel disgusted at myself for spending even a moment WISHING that my amazingly sweet husband was, essentially, a rapist. Why would I have wanted that??

I know “rape fantasies” are a thing but I truly can’t imagine that I’m one to actually want that. I actually have been raped before, about 4 years ago, by my ex, and it was so beyond traumatic and took me so long to recover and to stop having flashbacks. When I first met my husband actually (which was 6 months after I was raped...) he helped me through so much of the aftermath trauma, and I can’t even tell you how many times I had to stop sex with him in the first year or so of our relationship because I was having rape flashbacks...

So why did I even spend a second wishing that my sweet and respectful husband would do that to me......? I don’t genuinely WANT him to be like that... but for a few minutes I was just so beyond turned on by the idea......

What the fuck is wrong with me.