Before y’all say anything I’m in counseling. Anyways my marriage isn’t perfect no where near. A lot has happened. I’m so tired of putting my all in and it getting the affection and love I need in return. But I can’t live with out him nor do I want too. He’s confused and “doesn’t love me the way I need to be loved and that makes him feel guilty, because he should feel the same way I do” he does care about me a lot and loves me. Just not in the way he feels he’s should. Anyways I left back in January. It was bad it was my choice I left. The second day I was home I didn’t want to live. I had hoped on the way home the plane would crash or I wouldn’t wake up the next day ect. I wanted to check myself in the hospital and have them sedate me. Or I wanted to be drunk and cry all the time. Something to numb my emotions and make me a zombie. I didn’t want to do it anymore. I feel pathetic because if we start the divorce process again I know I’ll feel that way again. I’m scared. I’m afraid i won’t be able to pull myself out and it’ll ruin a lot of the success I’ve made. I don’t necessarily care about the rest of the good things in my life. I want him. And I need him. Or that’s how I feel. I don’t know how to do this again. I’m terrified. But unfortunately the decisions all his. I know what I want to do. I want to make things work. But I can’t wait forever. Rant over.