i feel like i’m empty

like i died in my head years ago and now i’m kind of just living day by day

i’ve always been afraid to cut

blood has always freaked me out

i play basketball so if i did cut so many people would see it

but instead when i have what i call “episodes” (when i get really sad for no reason) i pinch my arm that way the marks are temporary.

i feel like my friends use me as a bridge to get from one problem to the other. i feel like one of those bridges in the movies that goes from one cliff to another. the one that always breaks but they run over anyway, hoping it wouldn’t break under their feet. i’ve broken so many times.

i never feel accepted around my friends. i have a really strong feeling that they hate me. like my best friend started dating my ex best friend. i warned him about her but he didn’t listen to me. and now they brag about their relationship to me to make me envious. my other best friend has been a complete asshole to me recently. he won’t look me in the eyes, hes been avoiding me. and i asked him what wrong twice. the first time he denied it. the second time, a few days later, i asked again, he balled up every argument, disagreement, and fight into one and it fired it at me and i wasn’t expecting it. it’s been tense between us ever since. we’ve technically “made up” but really it was us just saying we wouldn’t fight anymore for the sake of our shared friends. we never resolved any feelings though.

i’ve always been the nice friend.

no one ever asks if the nice friend is okay, the nice friend always asks

no one ever makes plans with the nice friend. the nice friend is only needed when there are problems in between members of the group

no one ever asks if the nice friend needs to talk to someone, the nice friend is always the group therapist

i’m probably the one who needs a therapist the most.

my family loves me a lot. i’m scared to talk them how i feel because they’d be so disappointed and embarrassed about me. i don’t want to ruin things for people who deserve to live a good life

i’ve lost purpose for almost everything at this point.

basketball used to be my escape, now i can’t even find a purpose in that

school was kind of always my thing. i was always seen as smart—the girl to go to if you needed homework answers or help writing an essay. i cant find a reason to even try in school anymore.

i find it hard to have fun

i find it hard to be happy in any situation

i’m even finding it hard to be sad

it’s like my mind has gone numb

i cant find a reason for anything

not even living

but i would never commit suicide

i’m afraid to leave everyone behind

but sometimes i do wonder if a person would even care if i were gone.

i cant find anyone to talk to anyone right now

no one cares

no one is willing to listen

no one understands