As me and my husband approach our seven year anniversary I have begun to realize I might need assistance bringing a child into this world and it might sound dumb but it breaks my heart.

I have 2 wonderful friends that have there own children that have offered to cary for me and my husband. I am grateful but at the same time I cant help but cry.

I always wanted to have a baby. I wanted to be able to feel as they grew and moved inside ME.

I wanted that pregnant glow

I wanted that pain

I was ready for the fear and struggle. For the annoyance at "how far along are you"

And the annoying belly touches that I would need to place a boundary over.

I wanted to sit on the back porch with my husband rubbing MY belly.

And to freak out on my way to the hospital unready to bring life.

We threw ourselves fully into it.

We got a crib

We got diapers

We got a car seat and some baby toys

Now they just haunt me

I cant cary.

I'm grateful my eggs are okay I'm just hurt my body rejects.

Yeah I know I probably sound so selfish right now but it hurts

I know I'm supposed to be grateful but I'm hurt.

Please dont give me that "God has a plan" and "everything happens for a reason"

Cause I've hurd it all before.

All it does is make me hurt more.