I have to rant, tonight’s been rough. And the cray thing is I’m a child of trauma too and it’s still overwhelming for even me.

Right now I HATE my sister. I rarely use that word, I tell my kids it’s too strong of an emotion and we don’t use this word, but all I feel at this moment is hate. I hate her for causing the events in these kids lives that has caused them so much trauma.

You can’t understand what we(the people picking up the pieces of a poor broken and lost child) go through. The screaming fits that last HOURS with no stopping till they loose their voice or fall asleep. The holes in the walls, the multiple broken doors, door knob. The self hate they have, the complete lack of confidence to do ANYTHING.

The fits they go into where they just rock and cry and keep repeating the same sentence over and over again. Always having to take things away, ground them, watch them miss out on so many family moments because their grounded and you have to stick to your guns or they won’t learn.

The therapy appointments, the long tedious therapy appointments that you loose work for, and you wonder if these appointments are actually doing anything for them. The times you’ve sat there wondering what in the world did you get yourself into? Can you actually do this? Can you pick up all the pieces and make a somewhat hole adult someday so they can break the cycle? The times you debated if you could actually keep doing this but knowing there’s no way you could do that to that poor child.

The bed wetting that’s always getting hide till their room smells horrible, the massive amount of accidents they have, the tears you shed just trying to get the frustration out where they can’t see, the fights it causing between your spouse and or family members about the way you are raising them.

Your family who tries so hard to accept this child but is not sure they will make it, re trust issues the kids have, you can promise them the moon and they will never believe you, even if you give it to them they will be wondering when it will get taken away.

They never say I love you and fully mean it, they have walls that are almost impossible to break, the have emotions they don’t know how to express, they have nightmares that scare them so bad all they can do is scream.

Children of trauma have been through so much and you just hope and pray you are enough for them, you have the knowledge to guide them through the hard times, the strength to keep pushing forward even when the child is running to the past, the resilience to keep coming back for rejection just hoping one day they will finally accept you and all you can offer them and most of all the faith that God knows what he’s doing and will never give you more than you can handle.

So for now I HATE my sister and what she’s done to these children.