Its 4am where I am right now and I'm lying in my bed with my pillow soaked because I cant stop crying. My relationship with my boyfriend is only 1 month shy of 4 years. Let me give the backstory about us. We met when we were teens back in college. We became friends as we took the same classes but we weren't very close. He was the only guy that I really spoke to but at the time I was in an off and on situation with "my ex" and I wasnt really into anyone. My bf (just friends at the time) was very cool and he got along with everyone. He just had an infectious aura. He made everyone laugh and he was extremely chill. Fast forward, college is over, everyone goes their separate ways. He went on to further his studies and we stayed in contact but not often. He was single back in college but he got a gf when he went to university. Him and I got into a heated conversation one day via text and we stopped talking for a really long while. During that period I really missed him, not in a romantic way but I missed his presence in my life. One day out of the blue he popped up and sent me message saying he was sorry for the argument and the way he handled things and he really missed me and stuff and he hoped I was doing well. From that day we started talking again and thing slowly became really good and before you knew it, him and I became the best friends ever. He was in fact the best friend I ever had. My girl friends couldnt even compare. This guy listened to me, never hit on me once, gave me solid advice, listened to me complain about my ex, made me laugh etc and the conversations we would have would literally make me horny..I'd become so wet and the weird thing is we never spoke about sex. But I believe that happened because I never had such a strong connection to a man before and my ex was a total loser. He was literally foolish and immature. Never spoke anything that made sense. So the connection I had with him just made my body react for him. He was really really an amazing friend. About a year after, I started feeling like he was falling for me, he never said it but just the way he would act I could tell. I asked him if he was and he told me yes..the sad thing is I did not feel the same or at least I was telling myself I wasnt. However i told him how i felt differently and he understood!!! He said as much as it hurts to hear, he still wants to be my friend because he loves me and wants me in his life. Another year passed and he's still here and he's still the most amazing friend to me. I started my first job and I had to leave home wee hours of the morning at the start of it and he would literally wake up early just to tell me have an amazing day and not to worry, everything will be fine because I was extremely nervous. Time passed and I realized whenever he spoke on other girls, I'd get jealous but I wasnt accepting the fact I started falling for him. I was so out of touch with my feelings. I was extremely damaged from my past relationship, I didnt know how to be. I realized the more he told me about other girls (keep in mind I'm his friend so he can talk about other girls to me) I'd cry uncontrollably and I'd be so upset but I never let him know. I ended up telling my female bestie at the time how I was feeling and she was like that's because you're in love with him honey!! And it hit me then and there I was so in love with this man. I didn't know how to tell him but eventually I did and he told me he never stopping being in love with me. This is where the complications started. I was so scared of messing up our friendship and being in a relationship again, I started to push him away unconsciously and he tried every single time I pushed him away. I told him I would hurt him if he gets with me (not intentionally) because I was too messed up from my past and I didnt want to be hurt again and he told me I'm worth the risk and he would never hurt me. We eventually got together in September of 2015 and from there things went downhill. The moment we gave what we had a title, I shut down. It's like I didnt know how to be or who I was in a relationship. I was scared of being hurt that I ended up taking him for granted and hurting him repeatedly. He would literally beg me to open up and talk to him and I just couldnt. He stayed with me though and he continued to show me a lot of love but I didnt even love myself, I saw myself as damaged goods that was not good even for anyone because of my past and I fucked up our relationship big time. I was always a good woman to him, I was caring and faithful. I never once cheated but when it came to emotional issues, I was closed up. I did not know how to express my feelings and as a result of that, he felt like he wasnt good enough for me to take my guard down. This is the man who took my virginity. I've only ever had sex with him while he has had sex with other people before me (his past relationships). He told me I'm the only woman he had sex with that's he ever felt love for. None of his exes made him feel the way I do. As a result of my damages and taking him for granted over the years, he became lost. He told me he doesnt know who he is anymore. He's damaged. He's so different now. The tables have turned. I'm so in love with him and he claims to be in love with me but he says that he doesnt know how to love me the way he once did. I'm so fucked up at the moment. Next month we would be making 4 years and he had all intention of marrying me. He told me some time ago that before the year is over he is going to propose but the place we are at right now, I dont think he will. I mean I dont want him to if we aren't good. It hurts so much. He's really different. I feel like I'm the one who is showing care and he isnt. I feel like everytime I talk to him his mind is elsewhere and he would shut me down. We're having a lot of arguments and it's not good for the both of us. We both love each other and we're in love with each other but some days we have such amazing days or at least I do and other times he feels like such a stranger to me. He told me he needs to fix himself and he doesnt know if he could heal in the same place he got hurt. So I asked him if he wants time apart and at first he said no but then he said yes tonight because it's so serious. Our relationship is on the verge of falling apart. It's so hard. We both have our fears of taking time apart because we never have since we are together. Our parents love us. His parents love me and mine adores him. He is so involved with my family. We all vacation together sometimes. It would devastate them to hear there is trouble in paradise. My man is a good man, but he isnt the man I fell in love with and I know that's how he felt about me, like I wasn't the woman he fell for. Right now we aren't sure about much but we're sure we want to be together and we love each other. I told him I'll give him space but he still wants to talk to me. I feel like him talking to me would hurt because I'll always be expecting more than what he is able to give me right now. I literally cannot stop crying. I'm praying and hoping for the best because this is the man I love with my all and who I want as my husband and the father of my kids. Any advice or words of encouragement will be appreciated. Thanks