My emotions are all over the place today.

My period hasn’t started yet but I know I’m gonna get it this month. I had sex during my fertile window and tested my ovulation dates and everything. But it’s not gonna stick 😔 It never does.

I have severe endometriosis that’s spread to my bowels and bladder- which I was diagnosed with in November of last year. It took me SIX years to get diagnosed with it. They discussed the chance of infertility and basically told me if by 25 (I’m 21 now) I have no kids and I want it- they’ll do a hysterectomy.

My fiancé and I have been trying since January and we’ve tried everything. I mean at least that I’ve found- we’ve tried. Ovulation strips, Pink Stork Fertility Tea, Pre-Natals, Pink Stork Fertility pills, Pre-Seed, I track my BBT daily, I’ll lay with my legs up in the air after sex, I eat all organic and gluten free, I drink my body weight in water daily, I exercise! And this is not even a chore, it’s just part of my routine.

But nothing is giving.

I’m young. I’m supposedly in my biological reproductive prime. I’m being patient and waiting but every period that ends up coming, adds a little more worry and disappointment in myself. I feel like less of a woman. And it’s all my fault that we may not have the family we dreamed of 😔

My fiancé is so great and supportive and he keeps telling me “it’ll happen babe, it’ll happen!”. But every passing cycle, I believe him less and less. Every friend that tells me they’re pregnant and they’re upset about it, I can’t help but feel anger towards. Every baby shower I’m invited to, I have to find an excuse not to go. And I don’t wanna be like this. I want to be happy for everyone! And it’s not that I’m not happy, I’m just envious because I’m scared that I’ll never make it there.

Thanks for listening to my rant, friends. You ever just reach a point where you’re having an internal breakdown and you need to let it out? That’s me 😩