Flashback. It’s summer 2015. I just finished my sophomore year at a new high school and the guy I’ve had a crush on since August is finally giving me a chance. However, this chance comes with a price- he gets uncomfortable with me talking to guys I’ve dated/who have had a crush on me due to his first girlfriend cheating on him. I’m not a jealous type, but I can kind of see where he’s coming from, having been too many people’s second choice. I decide he’s being reasonable. I don’t see the red flags.

School starts back. At last, I meet his elusive female “best friend” who has been nowhere near him the entire summer. He claims it’s because we hung out so much he didn’t make time for her. She’s gorgeous, and she seems really cool from what he’s told me about her. But she seems to be doing that... passive-aggressive things girls sometimes do. I don’t want to tell him it’s obvious his best friend doesn’t like me, but I eventually do. He says she’s just “like that” and I’m misinterpreting. But every time I try from then on, it’s the same cold shoulder form her.

I ask him. He tells me he was in love with her in eighth grade but she didn’t want to date him yet because “they were too close and she didn’t want a relationship that serious yet.” I’m like, “So she friend zoned you.” And he says, “No, it’s just not something we’re ready for.” The thought is in the back of my mind that A) he plans to eventually be ready for her and B) if the situation were reversed there was a snowball’s chance in hell he would be comfortable with me hanging out with that person.

I want to call him out on his double standard, but my closest friend in the area is a guy- who had been dating the same girl since we met and had always been strictly platonic- and I don’t want him brought into it. I keep my mouth shut.

Time passes. The emotional abuse grip tightens. I get steadily further from friends, family... By the beginning of senior year, he’s the only person in my life. I’m fully devoted to being with him. Even if that means ignoring worried texts from the boys I had been friends with. Even if that means that guy close friend of mine is basically gone from my life.

I turn eighteen in November of 2016. It’s a small, unremarkable affair. But in the next few days, the freedom hits me: I’m an adult legally, I’ll have a diploma in six months, there is nothing tethering me to this tiny town and the impoverished, stressful years I’ve spent in it. But there IS one thing holding me back: him.

My insecurities had gotten worse than ever, to the point of asking him who he thought was more attractive, me or his best friend. (The response being, “I’m with you, you have nothing to worry about.”

My niece is born in December. I almost miss her birth due to fighting with him. I realize what example I’m setting for her. The grudges he had encouraged me to develop dissipate. I find the strength to combat my depression and focus on my grades. And I decide within two months I’m done staying in a relationship that hurts so bad. I don’t love him anymore. And I’m tired of being insecure. I know love isn’t supposed to feel like what we have.

At the end of February, I break up with him. He cries. Everything hurts. A weak part of me is desperate to stay with him but that nudge of freedom from November has bloomed exponentially.

That same night, I’m at my mom’a apartment. I open my laptop when I can’t sleep and his Facebook is logged in. A message box pops up from his best friend. I don’t mean to read... but I see my name. I start scrolling and get more and more furious the further I get.

“You should really burn that bitch’s shit.”

“I’m so glad you came over. Sorry if something poked you the whole time we cuddled xD”

“I’m so glad we can be real friends again(:”

“You’re sooo sexy haha”

Part of me was heartbroken. My biggest insecurity throughout the entire relationship was proven the same night I ended a relationship that lasted almost two years. I was grieving, pulling together my broken pieces, nowhere near the thought of what came next- and he was trying to fuck the girl that had made me the most anxious. And here’s the best part: while he was trying to fuck her, he was sending me huge paragraphs begging for me back.

I took him back for a week. I made him rub my back, cook my food, clean- everything he had bitched about doing after the six month mark. And then I dropped him like a hot potato. He told me all his friends and family hated me. He spent about ten minutes with me cornered while he verbally assaulted me. That was the moment I recognized the abuse I had been through.

Now... it’s been a couple years since that relationship ended. I’m in a happy relationship, healthy, with a man of principle, virtue, and ambition. He beats himself up for treating me badly because he occasionally makes a joke and roasts me. 🙄 I just laugh when he does that. He has no idea just how wonderful he is.

I still have anxiety dreams about him cheating or breaking up with me or mistreating me. Last night, he was asking why I think I have those dreams, and I finally explained this story to him. I realized I need to get it off my chest, let that anger out in writing one more time, and start truly moving on from the pain and mistrust.

To anyone with a bad feeling about your guy and some girl... see how she treats you. That’s a good indicator of her intentions. Find out why. Communicate with her. I sat back and let him control my insecurities. Take charge yourself, and don’t ever let a man destroy your confidence. That should come from YOU. 💜 Stay strong.

And if you read this and the treatment sounds familiar: you ARE being abused. I denied it for almost two years. As soon as you end it, you can start reclaiming your life. Good luck. Be safe. Love yourself first. 💖