I had an abortion at the end of May. I didn’t want an abortion at first - I’ve always wanted to be a mother, and a relatively young mother. However I got pregnant at 22. I was due a few days before my 23rd birthday. I tried to make the logical, rational decision, and I thought it was the right thing to do. I had mixed emotions for the first few weeks after - relief mixed with guilt and a vague confusion, just processing. And then the regret hit. It’s been months, and every day it hits me like a bag of bricks and I hate myself more than I’ve ever hated anyone in my life. I tried talking to two of my friends I thought were close but the one seemed to pull away when I didn’t get over it, and the other one apparently just liked the drama my life had had for the past 8 months - she had to make a psychology analysis video as she’s a psych major, and I found out by finding it on social media that she used me as her subject. She never said my name, but she shared intimate details of my life that I’d talked about in confidence with her and shared it to her hundreds of followers.

I kind of distanced myself from my other friends after what happened with my “closest” friends. My fiancé tried to get me to talk to him about it and was sympathetic (if that’s the right word?) the first time. But then he expected me to magically get over it. I don’t freely bring it up, but occasionally it’ll come up that I’m not over it. He’s starting to resent me I think for not wanting to go out and for not getting over it.

He doesn’t know that i see a therapist once a week to try and deal with it. I don’t want to tell him about that. But whenever he sees me sad he’ll tell me I need to “get over it and get over myself”, that it’s done and over with. I know it’s not his fault but recently I feel like I’m starting to resent him. I could try and blame it on him and say it’s bc he’s not understanding or sympathetic anymore, but I know it’s not really his fault. I think it’s my own self hatred and regret and I think it’s ruining our relationship. I want to stop it, but I really think this will be it and I’m going to lose the last thing I love and care about