I hate myself for this

When I was about 4 my brothers best friend would do things to me but he was about 7 or 8 he would kiss me and I would kiss him back because that’s what I had seen in a movie and thought it was normal or okay. He would hump me and when we kissed I would try to touch is dick cause I thought we were “dating” idk but his mom and my mom were good friends and I still wasn’t going to school yet so my mom dropped me off her house to babysit me and he lived there so he would come out of his room and kiss me when I was alone in the living room. From that I don’t remember much but when I lived with my aunt (I moved but we were still living in the same neighborhood) I was taking a shower and I don’t remember if I locked door or not cause he came in the restroom to pee while I was taking a shower and the curtain had like a little window and he just stood there watching me and I saw trying to cover myself with my arms and leaning up against a corner and we tried to grab me but I would move (at this point he was like 11 or 13 I think). Then when I came home from school I was still in elementary and he was in middle school my brother wasn’t home yet and I think that day he didn’t go to school but he came to my house cause we moved again but this time we moved in the same building that he lived in so we were practically neighbors but he knocked to ask if my brother was home and I told home no but he wouldn’t leave and he just stared at me the door can a chain so if he wanted to come in he couldn’t but me being stupid let home in. From there he started kissing me and I kissed home back he told my to take my underwear off and I did and he took his off too. He tried to put his dick inside me but I wouldn’t go in well I think it didn’t I don’t recall but he told me to suck his dick and I did and I came him cum. He came in my mouth and it was the first time I have tasted cum and I didn’t like it I spit it out of my mouth he then cleaned up and cleaned me up and left. Another time I was in my room which I shared with my parents and my little sister and he was over but he was in my brothers room and he told my brother that he was gonna go use the restroom but instead he came in my room and took me to where the closest was he took off my underwear and bent me over be then put his dick inside my ass and then immediately took it out and when he did he ran out and left me there once I got up and sat down it started to hurt and I want to scream from the pain I think I started to cry but i don’t remember. Then one time I was in the living room and he was in my brothers room and he came out and I heard him come out so I pretended I was sleeping then he stairs kiss me and was touching my pussy with his fingers but it hurt and then he stopped and he went back into my brothers room. Then one time he was sitting on the edge of the bed and I was sitting on a box of shoes so I could be next to him and we were in my brothers room. My brothers bed had like and opening at the end of the bed and he had a blanket and took his dick out then he grabbed my hand and was moving it up and down so I was jerking him off. I was in fourth grade and he was in 8th or 9th grade but at this point I knew it was wrong and wanted to stop and when it did I didn’t know how to feel because I remember I was on the couch using phone and he wanted me to do something but I don’t remember what and I said no but he kept insisting then i got so fed up i shouted my brothers name and he ran out the door to his house then i got up and started crying my sister saw me and i think she told my parents or my brother first i don’t remember but then my brother came out and he saw me crying and asked what’s wrong and i just hugged him and cried and was just yelling out his name saying that’s what’s wrong or that he made me cry or something. My mom came out and I told her that he had been doing things to me since I was 4 and from there they have never brought it up again I’m now 14 I’m turning 15 in November I’m in high school and I have a boyfriend. But sometimes I cry and cry thinking that my mom didn’t care cause she didn’t take me to the doctor or therapy when I know I need it but she doesn’t believe in that kind of thing. But the thing that I hate the most is that the first time my boyfriend kissed me and he left I started to cry and shake and started to hit myself I wanted to die right then and there and the second time we want to make out he had come over and when he was leaving he tried to hug me and grab me so he can kiss me but I was backing away and then he grabbed me and I just went with the flow but aft he left the same thing happened and I wanted to cut myself but my mom had just pulled up in the drive way. I know I have ptsd cause I don’t like being touched and I start to remember thing later I want to forget but can’t. I know i need to go to some doctor but I’m pretty sure my mom wouldn’t believe me. I don’t know what I want anymore I’m so confused if I even want a boyfriend or if I’m gay cause I hate men but I don’t know what I want I’m so confused. I always blame myself for not stopping him and I know it’s my fault but he moved and lives kinda far but I saw him at New Years cause he’s still friends with my brother but I’m just so confused I have this unbearable hatred towards him and in my fantasies I kill him and I’m scared that I might actually do something.