I may not be a mother...
I may not be a mother. To the world I am a woman without a child. But I will say this...
I may not be a mother, but I have prayed endlessly to become one. To grow my baby inside of me and guide them through every stage of their life. To dedicate my life to make sure they have the best life I could possible give.
I may not be a mother, but I have folded washed baby clothes that I bought when I was certain I would get a positive pregnancy test that month.
I may not be a mother, but I have read endless articles on ways to improve my chances of conception. I have researched every possible pregnancy sign, “ could I still be pregnant even after a period”, “what are my chances of a positive after a 14 dpo negative” when my period was late.
I may not be a mother, but I rejoiced and celebrated when I finally got a bfp after 9 months of trying, only to be told by my doctor 5 days later that my numbers were low and falling lower, that I was having a chemical pregnancy and their was nothing I could do.
I may not be a mother, but I have never felt a pain so deep as I have on that day. I have never cried so many tears as I did the month following. When I couldn’t sleep for 4 days straight. When I begged God, pleaded, to bring my baby back to me. That I would have gladly handed over my life so my baby could have theirs. That I mourn that loss to this day.
I may not be a mother, but even when I convince myself it’s not meant to be, to throw in the towel and accept my life as it is without a child - I know I will never stop trying. I will never stop fighting. I will never give up. I will wipe my tears, slap a smile on my face and push on until I get my chance to become a mother.
I may not be a mother, but I have built my life around a life that doesn’t even exist yet. I love a baby more than words that hasn’t even been conceived yet.
I may not be a mother to the rest of the world, but in my heart I already am one. I sacrifice, love, practice patience and put a child before myself month after month.
I may not be a mother, but I will be a mother. Until then...