vaginismus?? 😭😭😭

Last night I tried to have sex for the first time with my guy. But my muscles were so tight that the whole thing was too painful for me. Anyway we didn’t go through with it. He of course knew I probably wasn’t ready and he’s okay with it but idk I guess I wasn’t expecting it to so painful. I do suffer from sexual trauma and he’s aware of it, I think that’s why he’s being so cool about waiting and not rushing to have sex with me until I’m 100 percent sure.

And yet for some reason I’m disappointed in myself, I really wanted to do it with him and I couldn’t get through it. I just don’t know what I can do to make this experience more pleasurable for me and him. We do other things but I want to move on from oral sex, I just don’t know how to relax and stop being so anxious.